Jake L
@thecrayonberries.bsky.social
🫧
🎷🐍
Writer, former guy in a punk band, poser homecook. Follow @j.laynewrites on instagram!
🎷🐍
Writer, former guy in a punk band, poser homecook. Follow @j.laynewrites on instagram!
If I had to put money on it, I would’ve bet that a dog woulda bit my face drawing blood at work before a cat… and I would’ve lost that bet today 🤕
December 1, 2025 at 10:20 PM
If I had to put money on it, I would’ve bet that a dog woulda bit my face drawing blood at work before a cat… and I would’ve lost that bet today 🤕
This post is sponsored by Burnout. “Don’t get Burnin’, get Burnout!”
🎶 I’m burnin’ I’m burnin’ I’m burnin’ for yooouuu🎶*record scratch* 420.69FM Coffee in the Morning!! This is the caffeine hour with Fucky the Vampire Dayjobber!
🎶 I’m burnin’ I’m burnin’ I’m burnin’ for yooouuu🎶*record scratch* 420.69FM Coffee in the Morning!! This is the caffeine hour with Fucky the Vampire Dayjobber!
December 1, 2025 at 4:18 PM
This post is sponsored by Burnout. “Don’t get Burnin’, get Burnout!”
🎶 I’m burnin’ I’m burnin’ I’m burnin’ for yooouuu🎶*record scratch* 420.69FM Coffee in the Morning!! This is the caffeine hour with Fucky the Vampire Dayjobber!
🎶 I’m burnin’ I’m burnin’ I’m burnin’ for yooouuu🎶*record scratch* 420.69FM Coffee in the Morning!! This is the caffeine hour with Fucky the Vampire Dayjobber!
Casey Cizikas literally pulled back, wound up, and then cross checked Michael Rasmussen so hard across the back that his stick snapped in half… and the refs only gave him a two minute minor?
October 24, 2025 at 3:19 AM
Casey Cizikas literally pulled back, wound up, and then cross checked Michael Rasmussen so hard across the back that his stick snapped in half… and the refs only gave him a two minute minor?
One hour to go until the government announces whatever death policy that the lower courts will deem unconstitutional but then they’ll just do it anyway 🇺🇸 oh man I’m so excited for ChuckSchumer to do a separate press briefing where he’ll say “we are a nation of laws” and then not do anything about it
September 2, 2025 at 5:07 PM
One hour to go until the government announces whatever death policy that the lower courts will deem unconstitutional but then they’ll just do it anyway 🇺🇸 oh man I’m so excited for ChuckSchumer to do a separate press briefing where he’ll say “we are a nation of laws” and then not do anything about it
Reddit is wild sometimes, someone will post “hey does anyone have any good tips for getting dog pee out of the rug” with like 100 downvotes and some asshole will comment “don’t let your dog pee on the rug” like we as a civil society are so cooked lol
August 14, 2025 at 8:46 PM
Reddit is wild sometimes, someone will post “hey does anyone have any good tips for getting dog pee out of the rug” with like 100 downvotes and some asshole will comment “don’t let your dog pee on the rug” like we as a civil society are so cooked lol
Actually kinda wild that anyone would need to clarify this, but after I am dead I do not consent to my voice being given to AI to be used to say things I never said.
August 7, 2025 at 12:06 PM
Actually kinda wild that anyone would need to clarify this, but after I am dead I do not consent to my voice being given to AI to be used to say things I never said.
The dems are going to make Gavin Newsom the presidential candidate in 28 aren’t they? Please don’t. If you actually want to win an election, pay attention to what the people are telling you.
July 16, 2025 at 5:07 PM
The dems are going to make Gavin Newsom the presidential candidate in 28 aren’t they? Please don’t. If you actually want to win an election, pay attention to what the people are telling you.
Me: I’ll have a Coke Zero
Drug dealer: uhhh what?
Drug dealer: uhhh what?
June 17, 2025 at 4:28 PM
Me: I’ll have a Coke Zero
Drug dealer: uhhh what?
Drug dealer: uhhh what?
Reposted by Jake L
Who let the bird flu out?
Us! We did.
Because HHS just cancelled their contract with Moderna for an H5N1 pandemic bird flu vaccine, effectively hobbling our ability to combat the disease when (not if) it begins spreading like wildfire. #birdflu
www.reuters.com/business/hea...
Us! We did.
Because HHS just cancelled their contract with Moderna for an H5N1 pandemic bird flu vaccine, effectively hobbling our ability to combat the disease when (not if) it begins spreading like wildfire. #birdflu
www.reuters.com/business/hea...
May 29, 2025 at 12:47 AM
Who let the bird flu out?
Us! We did.
Because HHS just cancelled their contract with Moderna for an H5N1 pandemic bird flu vaccine, effectively hobbling our ability to combat the disease when (not if) it begins spreading like wildfire. #birdflu
www.reuters.com/business/hea...
Us! We did.
Because HHS just cancelled their contract with Moderna for an H5N1 pandemic bird flu vaccine, effectively hobbling our ability to combat the disease when (not if) it begins spreading like wildfire. #birdflu
www.reuters.com/business/hea...
Reposted by Jake L
if dems are going to pivot to trashing biden then how about stop being exactly fucking like him and actually do something, stop blaming marginalized people and issues you didn't even campaign on for your failures and step the fuck up. it's useless and you need to burn the past instead of the future
May 16, 2025 at 4:49 PM
if dems are going to pivot to trashing biden then how about stop being exactly fucking like him and actually do something, stop blaming marginalized people and issues you didn't even campaign on for your failures and step the fuck up. it's useless and you need to burn the past instead of the future
Reposted by Jake L
There is no hell deep enough to contain the people involved with this
Kristi Noem has been working with the producer of “Duck Dynasty” to pitch a reality TV show—titled “The American”—where immigrants will compete in a string of challenges across the country “for the honor of fast-tracking their way to U.S. citizenship,” according to a new report.
Noem Plots Reality Show Where Migrants Fight for Citizenship
A Homeland Security official told the Daily Beast that the show is in the early stages of vetting, though approval has not been given—or denied.
www.thedailybeast.com
May 16, 2025 at 12:12 AM
There is no hell deep enough to contain the people involved with this
Reposted by Jake L
Pete Hegseth: ‘There Are No State Secrets In A Healthy Relationship’
theonion.com/pete-he...
theonion.com/pete-he...
Pete Hegseth: ‘There Are No State Secrets In A Healthy Relationship’
WASHINGTON—Staunchly defending his decision to share sensitive military data in messages to his wife, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told reporters Monday, “There are no state secrets in a healthy relationship.” “Communication is key in every strong marriage, and that includes communication about airstrikes on foreign adversaries,” said the Pentagon chief, who called the mere idea […]
theonion.com
April 27, 2025 at 3:00 PM
Pete Hegseth: ‘There Are No State Secrets In A Healthy Relationship’
theonion.com/pete-he...
theonion.com/pete-he...
Me, on the phone: "I'll make an account for you. What's your pet's name?"
Client: "Winter with a Y."
Me: Oh, wow. That's an interesting name!” *Spelling out the name 'Yinter' in the computer*
Client: "Winter with a Y."
Me: Oh, wow. That's an interesting name!” *Spelling out the name 'Yinter' in the computer*
April 23, 2025 at 8:41 PM
Me, on the phone: "I'll make an account for you. What's your pet's name?"
Client: "Winter with a Y."
Me: Oh, wow. That's an interesting name!” *Spelling out the name 'Yinter' in the computer*
Client: "Winter with a Y."
Me: Oh, wow. That's an interesting name!” *Spelling out the name 'Yinter' in the computer*
Gen Xers will whine and complain that modern music sucks, but they listened to bands like White Snake and Guns&Roses and Poison lmao
April 15, 2025 at 4:00 PM
Gen Xers will whine and complain that modern music sucks, but they listened to bands like White Snake and Guns&Roses and Poison lmao
Reposted by Jake L
I am sorry to say it, but this is probably one of the most important things you can repost today.
April 15, 2025 at 12:02 AM
I am sorry to say it, but this is probably one of the most important things you can repost today.
A client just called and was trying to tell me her dog is a “shih tzu / poodle mix” but she called him a “shit poo” and I cannot stop fucking laughing now
March 25, 2025 at 4:13 PM
A client just called and was trying to tell me her dog is a “shih tzu / poodle mix” but she called him a “shit poo” and I cannot stop fucking laughing now
Reposted by Jake L
The “anti-DEI” administration hiring a bunch of unqualified, inexperienced schmucks to high-level government positions is an irony I sincerely wish I never had to see or comment on. This is the worst fucking timeline.
February 7, 2025 at 1:48 AM
The “anti-DEI” administration hiring a bunch of unqualified, inexperienced schmucks to high-level government positions is an irony I sincerely wish I never had to see or comment on. This is the worst fucking timeline.
It’s an absolute shock to fuckin nobody that the “not every person who disagrees with you is a racist/n@z!/bigot” crowd came together to agree that the things they hate most are immigrants and diversity, equity, & inclusion…
February 4, 2025 at 6:20 PM
It’s an absolute shock to fuckin nobody that the “not every person who disagrees with you is a racist/n@z!/bigot” crowd came together to agree that the things they hate most are immigrants and diversity, equity, & inclusion…
I was checking out a client, and he went on a monologue about heroin addiction (completely unprovoked), then he told me "you paint a thousand houses and nobody notices, but you suck one cock and you're a cocksucker for life." and walked out
January 31, 2025 at 3:46 PM
I was checking out a client, and he went on a monologue about heroin addiction (completely unprovoked), then he told me "you paint a thousand houses and nobody notices, but you suck one cock and you're a cocksucker for life." and walked out
Reposted by Jake L
If you’ve been unable to take it all in — or felt like you needed to look away — know that that’s by design.
Take a few moments and catch up on the worst of what you may have missed: www.rollingstone.com/politics/pol...
Take a few moments and catch up on the worst of what you may have missed: www.rollingstone.com/politics/pol...
January 29, 2025 at 4:24 PM
If you’ve been unable to take it all in — or felt like you needed to look away — know that that’s by design.
Take a few moments and catch up on the worst of what you may have missed: www.rollingstone.com/politics/pol...
Take a few moments and catch up on the worst of what you may have missed: www.rollingstone.com/politics/pol...
I’m so grateful I rediscovered reading in my late 20s after barely touching any books after I turned 19.
January 29, 2025 at 1:02 AM
I’m so grateful I rediscovered reading in my late 20s after barely touching any books after I turned 19.
Trying to find middle ground with conservatives on things like income inequality is like leading a horse to water, but instead of taking a drink, the horse pisses in the water and says things like “the glue factory is good for our economy!!”
January 2, 2025 at 4:02 PM
Trying to find middle ground with conservatives on things like income inequality is like leading a horse to water, but instead of taking a drink, the horse pisses in the water and says things like “the glue factory is good for our economy!!”
I can’t believe that after credit scene setting up the sequel, “Nosfera2: 2Nos 2Feratu”
December 28, 2024 at 7:44 PM
I can’t believe that after credit scene setting up the sequel, “Nosfera2: 2Nos 2Feratu”
Everytime someone says “you win the internet today”, an angel has a wing torn from its body with a rusty cleaver.
December 24, 2024 at 4:04 PM
Everytime someone says “you win the internet today”, an angel has a wing torn from its body with a rusty cleaver.