The Needling
@theneedling.com
Seattle's Only Real Fake News
(Satire/Parody)
Have a hot headline tip? Send it to [email protected]
TheNeedling.com
(Satire/Parody)
Have a hot headline tip? Send it to [email protected]
TheNeedling.com
Trump, Rubio Back Off Greenland After Learning Its Snow Not Kind You Snort: tinyurl.com/3rswxhke
January 10, 2026 at 6:02 AM
Trump, Rubio Back Off Greenland After Learning Its Snow Not Kind You Snort: tinyurl.com/3rswxhke
Federal Agents Shoot 2 People in Portland Who Threatened to Exist: tinyurl.com/mjrsh7d2
January 9, 2026 at 4:49 AM
Federal Agents Shoot 2 People in Portland Who Threatened to Exist: tinyurl.com/mjrsh7d2
Trump Announces Plans to Acquire Alaska: tinyurl.com/3s4k8dfn
January 6, 2026 at 12:54 AM
Trump Announces Plans to Acquire Alaska: tinyurl.com/3s4k8dfn
Furious Mayor Wilson Pounds Fist On Table Demanding Chalice Of NIMBY Blood: tinyurl.com/mr7kpkrk
January 3, 2026 at 6:33 AM
Furious Mayor Wilson Pounds Fist On Table Demanding Chalice Of NIMBY Blood: tinyurl.com/mr7kpkrk
Space Needle Puts On Stunning New Year’s Northern Lights Show: tinyurl.com/a4tvt2ev
January 1, 2026 at 8:30 AM
Space Needle Puts On Stunning New Year’s Northern Lights Show: tinyurl.com/a4tvt2ev
ICE confirmed today that its agents are in fact now waiting at the base of trees to zip-tie leaves in bags the moment they turn brown and then carry them away in unmarked vans to unknown locations: tinyurl.com/ysx95cct
January 1, 2026 at 2:36 AM
ICE confirmed today that its agents are in fact now waiting at the base of trees to zip-tie leaves in bags the moment they turn brown and then carry them away in unmarked vans to unknown locations: tinyurl.com/ysx95cct
Within hours of arriving in war-ravaged Portland, hundreds of National Guard troops are reportedly already lost at Powell’s Books: tinyurl.com/4mw4n9h2
January 1, 2026 at 2:36 AM
Within hours of arriving in war-ravaged Portland, hundreds of National Guard troops are reportedly already lost at Powell’s Books: tinyurl.com/4mw4n9h2
“We tried remote, we tried hybrid, but after a lot of thought and investment in AI, we really think a full return to work somewhere else policy for everyone is the way to go,” said CEO Satya Nadella: tinyurl.com/3wareffr
January 1, 2026 at 2:36 AM
“We tried remote, we tried hybrid, but after a lot of thought and investment in AI, we really think a full return to work somewhere else policy for everyone is the way to go,” said CEO Satya Nadella: tinyurl.com/3wareffr
“You know how transplants are: Even when they’re cats – didn’t skip a beat,” said Seattle Humane spokesman Landon Furcz as he finished his Taco Time: tinyurl.com/4pcm7z3b
January 1, 2026 at 2:36 AM
“You know how transplants are: Even when they’re cats – didn’t skip a beat,” said Seattle Humane spokesman Landon Furcz as he finished his Taco Time: tinyurl.com/4pcm7z3b
Today a local conservative and ICE agent who cried bloody murder when asked to wear a mask during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic clarified he’s actually totally fine with wearing masks as long as it’s to ruin lives, not save them: tinyurl.com/3pabcukx
January 1, 2026 at 2:36 AM
Today a local conservative and ICE agent who cried bloody murder when asked to wear a mask during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic clarified he’s actually totally fine with wearing masks as long as it’s to ruin lives, not save them: tinyurl.com/3pabcukx
“Bigg’s orcas usually aren’t as picky about what they eat, but this little rudder-snapper won’t eat a thing his mom puts in front of him unless she cuts it into little yacht shapes." tinyurl.com/2uwf6ezp
January 1, 2026 at 2:36 AM
“Bigg’s orcas usually aren’t as picky about what they eat, but this little rudder-snapper won’t eat a thing his mom puts in front of him unless she cuts it into little yacht shapes." tinyurl.com/2uwf6ezp
“They didn’t always kayak from one room of their house to another?” tinyurl.com/46nvry6a
January 1, 2026 at 2:36 AM
“They didn’t always kayak from one room of their house to another?” tinyurl.com/46nvry6a
After weeks of trying to strike up friendly conversations with people about their neighbors, lonely and distraught local ICE Agent Martin Briggs says no one is talking to him here because of the Seattle Freeze: tinyurl.com/5n9x8s93
January 1, 2026 at 2:36 AM
After weeks of trying to strike up friendly conversations with people about their neighbors, lonely and distraught local ICE Agent Martin Briggs says no one is talking to him here because of the Seattle Freeze: tinyurl.com/5n9x8s93
In response to multiple threats by the United States to turn Canada into the 51st state, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney surprised Canadians and Washingtonians by declaring Washington Canada’s 11th Province: tinyurl.com/4w688ss6
January 1, 2026 at 2:36 AM
In response to multiple threats by the United States to turn Canada into the 51st state, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney surprised Canadians and Washingtonians by declaring Washington Canada’s 11th Province: tinyurl.com/4w688ss6
✨The Needling’s Top Ten Stories of 2025✨ Good afternoon, engulfed Cybertruck. Goodbye, 2025. Goodluck, 2026. tinyurl.com/5n8nd2dk
January 1, 2026 at 2:36 AM
✨The Needling’s Top Ten Stories of 2025✨ Good afternoon, engulfed Cybertruck. Goodbye, 2025. Goodluck, 2026. tinyurl.com/5n8nd2dk
Local Apathy Levels Off the Charts According To Study We Almost Did: tinyurl.com/2s3dwmsm
December 30, 2025 at 5:28 AM
Local Apathy Levels Off the Charts According To Study We Almost Did: tinyurl.com/2s3dwmsm
Seattle Man Leaves Out Plate of Cheese for When St. Rat Comes Up Through Toilet Tonight: tinyurl.com/nhf8cr8s
December 25, 2025 at 4:43 AM
Seattle Man Leaves Out Plate of Cheese for When St. Rat Comes Up Through Toilet Tonight: tinyurl.com/nhf8cr8s
Gov. Ferguson Backs Millionaire Tax After Ghost of Christmas Future Shows Him Losing In 2028 If He Doesn’t: tinyurl.com/ye25s9zp
December 24, 2025 at 5:04 AM
Gov. Ferguson Backs Millionaire Tax After Ghost of Christmas Future Shows Him Losing In 2028 If He Doesn’t: tinyurl.com/ye25s9zp
New Children’s Book ‘Good Afternoon Moon’ Celebrates Seattle’s Painfully Early Sunsets: tinyurl.com/yrze7kp8
December 22, 2025 at 3:42 AM
New Children’s Book ‘Good Afternoon Moon’ Celebrates Seattle’s Painfully Early Sunsets: tinyurl.com/yrze7kp8
Naked Cyclist Wondering Where Everyone Is on Solstice: tinyurl.com/yc34t4hw
December 21, 2025 at 10:00 PM
Naked Cyclist Wondering Where Everyone Is on Solstice: tinyurl.com/yc34t4hw
Tire Runoff Delicious, ‘But I Know It’s Bad For Me,’ Says Local Salmon: tinyurl.com/3znnjbp2
December 20, 2025 at 7:20 AM
Tire Runoff Delicious, ‘But I Know It’s Bad For Me,’ Says Local Salmon: tinyurl.com/3znnjbp2
Man Wins Ugly Sweater Contest By Wearing Startup Hoodie: tinyurl.com/42bnvsej
December 20, 2025 at 5:04 AM
Man Wins Ugly Sweater Contest By Wearing Startup Hoodie: tinyurl.com/42bnvsej
Nation Just Kinda Assumed Pacific Northwest Always Lived in Giant Puddle Like That: tinyurl.com/bdh393s4
December 18, 2025 at 9:09 PM
Nation Just Kinda Assumed Pacific Northwest Always Lived in Giant Puddle Like That: tinyurl.com/bdh393s4
Local Doctors Reassure Public Rick Steves Still Doing Just Fine: tinyurl.com/3hdrjutf
December 18, 2025 at 3:11 AM
Local Doctors Reassure Public Rick Steves Still Doing Just Fine: tinyurl.com/3hdrjutf