The Needling
@theneedling.com
Seattle's Only Real Fake News
(Satire/Parody)
Have a hot headline tip? Send it to [email protected]
TheNeedling.com
(Satire/Parody)
Have a hot headline tip? Send it to [email protected]
TheNeedling.com
Reposted by The Needling
Trump, Rubio Back Off Greenland After Learning Its Snow Not Kind You Snort: tinyurl.com/3rswxhke
January 10, 2026 at 6:02 AM
Trump, Rubio Back Off Greenland After Learning Its Snow Not Kind You Snort: tinyurl.com/3rswxhke
“We were perplexed with why the president wanted to invade Greenland so bad until we saw him getting his intel from Don. Jr.—then it all made sense,” said one source. “The president was also dismayed to learn none of its giant cracked ‘ice cubes’ can even be smoked."
Trump, Rubio Back Off Greenland After Learning Its Snow Not Kind You Snort: tinyurl.com/3rswxhke
January 10, 2026 at 7:07 AM
“We were perplexed with why the president wanted to invade Greenland so bad until we saw him getting his intel from Don. Jr.—then it all made sense,” said one source. “The president was also dismayed to learn none of its giant cracked ‘ice cubes’ can even be smoked."
Trump, Rubio Back Off Greenland After Learning Its Snow Not Kind You Snort: tinyurl.com/3rswxhke
January 10, 2026 at 6:02 AM
Trump, Rubio Back Off Greenland After Learning Its Snow Not Kind You Snort: tinyurl.com/3rswxhke
Reposted by The Needling
I always known Agent Ivan Smoldick was a problem.
“We pulled their car over after suspecting a fully conscious human being may be inside driving it while just existing,” said Agent Ivan Smoldick. “Sure enough, we discovered people weaponizing the inhalation of oxygen at us in the car, leaving us with no choice but to shoot them in self-defense.”
Federal Agents Shoot 2 People in Portland Who Threatened to Exist: tinyurl.com/mjrsh7d2
January 9, 2026 at 10:45 PM
I always known Agent Ivan Smoldick was a problem.
Reposted by The Needling
Listen there are a lot of hardworking Americans in Buttfuck, Idaho who are tired of having their right to pretend no one and nowhere else exists trampled on
Federal Agents Shoot 2 People in Portland Who Threatened to Exist: tinyurl.com/mjrsh7d2
January 9, 2026 at 9:33 PM
Listen there are a lot of hardworking Americans in Buttfuck, Idaho who are tired of having their right to pretend no one and nowhere else exists trampled on
Reposted by The Needling
Seattle style hot dogs* are highly controversial even in Seattle, but delicious.
(*toasted roll, thin spread cream cheese, grilled onions, jalapeños, sauerkraut, and mustard)
(*toasted roll, thin spread cream cheese, grilled onions, jalapeños, sauerkraut, and mustard)
Orcas Offer Food to Humans After Becoming Aware of the Horror That Is the Seattle Hot Dog
Marine mammal researchers at the University of Washington have determined the likely cause for orcas bringing food to boaters is a primal disgust and concern that some humans are eating Seattle-sty…
theneedling.com
January 9, 2026 at 3:22 PM
Seattle style hot dogs* are highly controversial even in Seattle, but delicious.
(*toasted roll, thin spread cream cheese, grilled onions, jalapeños, sauerkraut, and mustard)
(*toasted roll, thin spread cream cheese, grilled onions, jalapeños, sauerkraut, and mustard)
Reposted by The Needling
“We pulled their car over after suspecting a fully conscious human being may be inside driving it while just existing,” said Agent Ivan Smoldick. “Sure enough, we discovered people weaponizing the inhalation of oxygen at us in the car, leaving us with no choice but to shoot them in self-defense.”
Federal Agents Shoot 2 People in Portland Who Threatened to Exist: tinyurl.com/mjrsh7d2
January 9, 2026 at 6:48 PM
“We pulled their car over after suspecting a fully conscious human being may be inside driving it while just existing,” said Agent Ivan Smoldick. “Sure enough, we discovered people weaponizing the inhalation of oxygen at us in the car, leaving us with no choice but to shoot them in self-defense.”
Reposted by The Needling
When asked about the event Kristi Noem stated: “These two people were actually grizzly bears wielding nuclear weapons while high on meth.”
Federal Agents Shoot 2 People in Portland Who Threatened to Exist: tinyurl.com/mjrsh7d2
January 9, 2026 at 7:09 PM
When asked about the event Kristi Noem stated: “These two people were actually grizzly bears wielding nuclear weapons while high on meth.”
“We pulled their car over after suspecting a fully conscious human being may be inside driving it while just existing,” said Agent Ivan Smoldick. “Sure enough, we discovered people weaponizing the inhalation of oxygen at us in the car, leaving us with no choice but to shoot them in self-defense.”
Federal Agents Shoot 2 People in Portland Who Threatened to Exist: tinyurl.com/mjrsh7d2
January 9, 2026 at 6:48 PM
“We pulled their car over after suspecting a fully conscious human being may be inside driving it while just existing,” said Agent Ivan Smoldick. “Sure enough, we discovered people weaponizing the inhalation of oxygen at us in the car, leaving us with no choice but to shoot them in self-defense.”
Reposted by The Needling
Perfect: “I’m just proud of how brave my little ICE and Border Patrol agents from Buttfuck, Idaho were here in Portland on their first scary day outside a town of 100 inbreds.”
Federal Agents Shoot 2 People in Portland Who Threatened to Exist: tinyurl.com/mjrsh7d2
January 9, 2026 at 1:33 PM
Perfect: “I’m just proud of how brave my little ICE and Border Patrol agents from Buttfuck, Idaho were here in Portland on their first scary day outside a town of 100 inbreds.”
Reposted by The Needling
Federal Agents Shoot 2 People in Portland Who Threatened to Exist: tinyurl.com/mjrsh7d2
January 9, 2026 at 4:49 AM
Federal Agents Shoot 2 People in Portland Who Threatened to Exist: tinyurl.com/mjrsh7d2
Reposted by The Needling
I dunno, maybe we show up to protest in caskets so as not to alarm them with our flagrant aliving?
Federal Agents Shoot 2 People in Portland Who Threatened to Exist: tinyurl.com/mjrsh7d2
January 9, 2026 at 6:08 AM
I dunno, maybe we show up to protest in caskets so as not to alarm them with our flagrant aliving?
Reposted by The Needling
It's a tough job, being scared of every goddamned thing on the planet.
Federal Agents Shoot 2 People in Portland Who Threatened to Exist: tinyurl.com/mjrsh7d2
January 9, 2026 at 5:30 AM
It's a tough job, being scared of every goddamned thing on the planet.
Federal Agents Shoot 2 People in Portland Who Threatened to Exist: tinyurl.com/mjrsh7d2
January 9, 2026 at 4:49 AM
Federal Agents Shoot 2 People in Portland Who Threatened to Exist: tinyurl.com/mjrsh7d2
Reposted by The Needling
The Needling does not miss
Today a local conservative and ICE agent who cried bloody murder when asked to wear a mask during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic clarified he’s actually totally fine with wearing masks as long as it’s to ruin lives, not save them: tinyurl.com/3pabcukx
January 8, 2026 at 3:17 PM
The Needling does not miss
Reposted by The Needling
When will they learn neck gaiters don't offer enough protection?
Today a local conservative and ICE agent who cried bloody murder when asked to wear a mask during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic clarified he’s actually totally fine with wearing masks as long as it’s to ruin lives, not save them: tinyurl.com/3pabcukx
January 7, 2026 at 11:29 PM
When will they learn neck gaiters don't offer enough protection?
Reposted by The Needling
Worth revisiting.
Today a local conservative and ICE agent who cried bloody murder when asked to wear a mask during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic clarified he’s actually totally fine with wearing masks as long as it’s to ruin lives, not save them: tinyurl.com/3pabcukx
January 4, 2026 at 5:37 AM
Worth revisiting.
When will they learn neck gaiters don't offer enough protection?
Today a local conservative and ICE agent who cried bloody murder when asked to wear a mask during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic clarified he’s actually totally fine with wearing masks as long as it’s to ruin lives, not save them: tinyurl.com/3pabcukx
January 7, 2026 at 11:29 PM
When will they learn neck gaiters don't offer enough protection?
Reposted by The Needling
Hey, we'd best get after Texas as well.
“Lots of oil up there LOTS and we’re going to free it from the corrupt dictatorship that controls it now,” said President Trump.
Trump Announces Plans to Acquire Alaska: tinyurl.com/3s4k8dfn
January 6, 2026 at 5:30 AM
Hey, we'd best get after Texas as well.
Reposted by The Needling
Watch out, she's already moved on to pig blood!
January 6, 2026 at 4:12 AM
Watch out, she's already moved on to pig blood!
Reposted by The Needling
“Lots of oil up there LOTS and we’re going to free it from the corrupt dictatorship that controls it now,” said President Trump.
January 6, 2026 at 1:59 AM
“Lots of oil up there LOTS and we’re going to free it from the corrupt dictatorship that controls it now,” said President Trump.
Watch out, she's already moved on to pig blood!
January 6, 2026 at 4:12 AM
Watch out, she's already moved on to pig blood!
Reposted by The Needling
Trump Announces Plans to Acquire Alaska: tinyurl.com/3s4k8dfn
January 6, 2026 at 12:54 AM
Trump Announces Plans to Acquire Alaska: tinyurl.com/3s4k8dfn
Reposted by The Needling
