Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 2h

Great news gang, I’ve just accepting a new position working for Satan designing new hells. Right now I’m working on an eternity where sinners are stuck on a long haul flight with theatre kids

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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 6h

This whole professional career could have been an email

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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 1d

We made fun of this kid at school because his dad invented the fleshlight, but now it’s 2025 and I’ve got a Subaru outback and a mortgage, while he’s taking a private jet to a Tuscany villa that synthetic pussy tubes paid for

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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 2d

Castle doctrine explicitly allows homeowners to make any potential home invasions unbearably sensual

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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 9d

They’re requesting a stool sample

VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 9d

Not now, kitten. Daddy is faking a Crohn’s flare up to get out of jury duty

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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 20d

Me: what if we set a story in the days of the old republic, and back then jedis lightsabers were flaccid but would go hard the second they were ready for combat?

Bob Iger: here is a big bag with a dollar sign on it. It represents all of the company profits. I want you to use it to make this show

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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 23d

Are you thinking things will always be what they seem or nah

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Reposted by VonTraphaus

Pookleblinky @pookleblinky.bsky.social · Jun 8

Programmer: We trained it on nothing but typos! It doesn't work! It's getting worse!

CEO: *in the middle of gooning, not even looking away from his screen* Trulyn't?

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Reposted by VonTraphaus

Ashley @ashleysays.bsky.social · 24d

Back when men used to have manners

Actual names @actualnames.bsky.social · 24d

Dick Milady

Ireland, Catholic Parish Registers, 1740-1900

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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 29d

I’m going as DB Cooper for Halloween. (Show up unannounced to random house parties, rob them, and then disappear never to be heard from again)

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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · Sep 2

I’d like to apologise to the rest of my youth group for acting out and using cuss words. Many of you know I’ve struggled with an addiction to energy drinks, and that day i let two white monsters turn me into a third

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Reposted by VonTraphaus

BrujoLoco☠️🖤🏺 @patnspankme.bsky.social · Aug 30

McDonalds has every ability to make the golden arches show a different color if the ice cream / shake machine is down so people passing by can save a lap through the parking lot or drive thru. Why make it hard?

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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · Aug 27

By clicking yes you agree to have your private life treated as something other people own to be traded, stolen and misused as they see fit. Sign up to our email list to get weekly updates on all the ways we’ve fucked you over

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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · Aug 27

We’ve updated our privacy policy
Your data has been stolen in a breach
We’ve updated our privacy breach
Our privacy policy has been stolen in a breach

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Reposted by VonTraphaus

Pandy Fackler 🎃 @thatbrenna.bsky.social · Jul 23

Host: Let's play Wheel Of Ornithology!

Me: Are there any jays?

Host: No sorry

Me: I'd like to buy an owl

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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · Aug 22

When your holiday is over but you have a 20 hour flight home

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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · Aug 20

You know how some psychos own a gun and fantasise about a home invasion just so they have a valid excuse to shoot a person? I’m like that but I wait to hear news about awful people so i have a valid excuse to make mean jokes about them