i quit pumpkin spice i'm on the patch

Sry boss can’t today
I’ve got worker’s block

Anything can be a suppository if you suppose hard enough.

Nothing like a hearty midwestern breakfast (opemeal)

One of the most rewarding aspects of parenting is watching your kids develop skills you never dreamt possible. She’s only seven, but my daughter just spilled her milk telepathically.

California sober: high & dry.

Stayed up all night and it finally dawned on me

A generous lover: going above & beyond the call of booty.

It's like shooting fish in a barrel of monkeys.