Willie Fitzgerald
@williefitz.bsky.social
Mr. Lunch
Writer, editor, galoot. Stories in Joyland, Boulevard, StoryQuarterly and elsewhere. Senior Editor at American Short Fiction.
Writer, editor, galoot. Stories in Joyland, Boulevard, StoryQuarterly and elsewhere. Senior Editor at American Short Fiction.
Reposted by Willie Fitzgerald
The “prosecute the former regime at every level” candidate has my vote in 2028.
January 7, 2026 at 8:26 PM
The “prosecute the former regime at every level” candidate has my vote in 2028.
Reposted by Willie Fitzgerald
this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to jump out of a helicopter to kidnap a head of state and his wife so some oil ceos can make a lot of money. we’ll be watching from a resort in florida that still serves wedge salad and checking how many retweets we get. good luck soldier
January 3, 2026 at 10:57 PM
this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to jump out of a helicopter to kidnap a head of state and his wife so some oil ceos can make a lot of money. we’ll be watching from a resort in florida that still serves wedge salad and checking how many retweets we get. good luck soldier
getting a print sub to the onion for my birthday made my year significantly better. my personal favorite joke was one of their fake ads:
December 31, 2025 at 10:15 PM
getting a print sub to the onion for my birthday made my year significantly better. my personal favorite joke was one of their fake ads:
Reposted by Willie Fitzgerald
For me, 2025 will always be the year I was on a whisky distillery tour in the Inner Hebrides and put my hand in my pocket and found a balled-up straw wrapper and started playing with it and was like “wait, when did I last use a straw?” and then the straw wrapper stung me because it was a large bee
December 31, 2025 at 6:31 PM
For me, 2025 will always be the year I was on a whisky distillery tour in the Inner Hebrides and put my hand in my pocket and found a balled-up straw wrapper and started playing with it and was like “wait, when did I last use a straw?” and then the straw wrapper stung me because it was a large bee
actually these are DeVille-ed eggs. boiled em in the radiator of my uncle's cadillac
December 31, 2025 at 4:27 PM
actually these are DeVille-ed eggs. boiled em in the radiator of my uncle's cadillac
"those who can, *doot*; those who can't, teach"
- me mocking my trumpet instructor
- me mocking my trumpet instructor
December 30, 2025 at 6:34 PM
"those who can, *doot*; those who can't, teach"
- me mocking my trumpet instructor
- me mocking my trumpet instructor
Reposted by Willie Fitzgerald
ME: (first day practicing Bug Law) May it please the Court—
BUG JUDGE: (sternly) Bug Court.
BUG JUDGE: (sternly) Bug Court.
December 30, 2025 at 6:29 PM
ME: (first day practicing Bug Law) May it please the Court—
BUG JUDGE: (sternly) Bug Court.
BUG JUDGE: (sternly) Bug Court.
Reposted by Willie Fitzgerald
a human is just a jailbroken monkey
December 30, 2025 at 5:58 PM
a human is just a jailbroken monkey
i resent having to know anything about or read anything by megan mcardle, whose name sounds like the noise you'd make if you got punched in the stomach while gargling
December 30, 2025 at 6:03 PM
i resent having to know anything about or read anything by megan mcardle, whose name sounds like the noise you'd make if you got punched in the stomach while gargling
Reposted by Willie Fitzgerald
we're like two months out from a gene-editing company calling itself Sephiroth
Sauron is appearing on the scene as concerns rise about crime among the most wealthy.
Sauron, the high-end home security startup for "super premium" customers, plucks a new CEO out of Sonos | TechCrunch
Sauron is appearing on the scene as concerns rise about crime among the most wealthy.
techcrunch.com
December 29, 2025 at 5:46 PM
we're like two months out from a gene-editing company calling itself Sephiroth
Reposted by Willie Fitzgerald
I sent this video to my friend and she got mad at me
December 28, 2025 at 1:12 AM
I sent this video to my friend and she got mad at me
ants: nature's fellas
December 26, 2025 at 9:40 PM
ants: nature's fellas
achieving peak Home for Christmas: reading a book about the history of longitude and eating almost nothing but bread and cheese
December 26, 2025 at 8:08 PM
achieving peak Home for Christmas: reading a book about the history of longitude and eating almost nothing but bread and cheese
DVD is short for "Da ViDeo"
December 26, 2025 at 5:58 PM
DVD is short for "Da ViDeo"
Reposted by Willie Fitzgerald
Shout out to my road dogg Pot Bear
December 26, 2025 at 12:08 PM
Shout out to my road dogg Pot Bear
Reposted by Willie Fitzgerald
each option is funnier than the last
November 28, 2024 at 1:32 AM
each option is funnier than the last
Reposted by Willie Fitzgerald
Jodie Foster: They should have sent a poet
Poet: Aliens ahoy! A galactic sight. When you’re in space all day is night
Poet: Aliens ahoy! A galactic sight. When you’re in space all day is night
December 24, 2025 at 2:47 AM
Jodie Foster: They should have sent a poet
Poet: Aliens ahoy! A galactic sight. When you’re in space all day is night
Poet: Aliens ahoy! A galactic sight. When you’re in space all day is night
"making up a guy to pander to," endemic in the pundit class
December 21, 2025 at 3:35 PM
"making up a guy to pander to," endemic in the pundit class
Reposted by Willie Fitzgerald
*indecisive zz top ordering at a bakery voice*:
give me all your muffins
all your scones and biscuits too
give me all your muffins
all your scones and biscuits too
December 19, 2025 at 6:35 PM
*indecisive zz top ordering at a bakery voice*:
give me all your muffins
all your scones and biscuits too
give me all your muffins
all your scones and biscuits too
go ahead, get mad about men and "method" acting. I'm over here dedicated to "me thod" acting (school of acting developed by caveman named Thod)
December 19, 2025 at 3:36 PM
go ahead, get mad about men and "method" acting. I'm over here dedicated to "me thod" acting (school of acting developed by caveman named Thod)
Reposted by Willie Fitzgerald
Heres a simple trick even an idiot can do
Make a pot of coffee, boil up a bunch of hot dogs in there. You got yourself a feed of jitter dogs. Simple
Make a pot of coffee, boil up a bunch of hot dogs in there. You got yourself a feed of jitter dogs. Simple
February 14, 2024 at 10:46 PM
Heres a simple trick even an idiot can do
Make a pot of coffee, boil up a bunch of hot dogs in there. You got yourself a feed of jitter dogs. Simple
Make a pot of coffee, boil up a bunch of hot dogs in there. You got yourself a feed of jitter dogs. Simple