being unserious is my favorite hobby

You basically just have to babysit yourself for your entire life

I shaved up to my knees for this?

The light in the public restroom timed out so I started yelling.

Every dad gift ideas list is like: Scotch rocks, socks that are also a knife, bacon wallet, hammer subscription

I’m only a failure by human standards. if I was a children’s book badger in an apron I’d be like “whoa this house is massive, and I own so many cheeses and jams.”

a saltine ain’t never did me wrong

Therapists should have to work in pairs, each trying to persuade you to take their advice, and one of them should be evil