95% of the reason I eat my entire chipotle bowl at one time is because the idea of having to put the foil lid back on scares me

Please stop sending me thoughts and prayers. My house is cluttered enough.

I promise you this: no poem will ever make me appreciate the beauty of nature. Don’t care, not going to contemplate it, I’m going to keep looking at my phone where the content is

Every few months I rediscover how majestic a nice slice of buttered toast is and make it my entire diet for about 3 days

I can’t think of a better person to handle this situation than

*checks notes*

the anti-vax brain worm guy

Is it just me or does everyone immediately dislike any cyber truck on the road and its driver

"Do you want jalapeños on that?"

Good sir, there is never a time nor a place where I don't want jalapeños on that.

cutting up the hotdog before folding it into the mac n cheese: am i a culinary genius or just a regular genius

Vaccination saves lives. Period.

Someone needs to infect him with a kinder, more benevolent brain worm to neutralize the evil, science-denying brain worm.

“Everybody who leaves Twitter lives in a bubble. They don’t want to interact with people who have thoughts and values that differ from their own.”

Listen buddy I’m just trying to escape the sex bots

Just joined where do I find the T emu adds ?

*taps mic* hello is this thing on

2 people to lead the Dept. of Government Efficiency? Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has 2 leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have 2 presidents. A boat that sets sail without 2 captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?