CONCERNED WEREWOLF LOOKING AT THE MOON: hm this gives me paws
October 7, 2024 at 8:54 PM
CONCERNED WEREWOLF LOOKING AT THE MOON: hm this gives me paws
Shavasana-type beats in the Waymo rn
June 6, 2024 at 4:52 AM
Shavasana-type beats in the Waymo rn
on the curb. straight up 'parkin it'. with, haha, well. let's justr say. My permits.
May 27, 2024 at 4:11 PM
on the curb. straight up 'parkin it'. with, haha, well. let's justr say. My permits.
turkeys going gobblin mode, what a sight
May 5, 2024 at 6:33 PM
turkeys going gobblin mode, what a sight
*lands in Hawaii*
MARIO: Oahu!
MARIO: Oahu!
January 18, 2024 at 11:30 AM
*lands in Hawaii*
MARIO: Oahu!
MARIO: Oahu!
she james my p until I sullivan
December 24, 2023 at 6:36 AM
she james my p until I sullivan
Reposted by geoff
you tellin me one horse opened this sleigh
December 3, 2023 at 9:28 PM
you tellin me one horse opened this sleigh
Reposted by geoff
would be a great nemesis for the flash
December 3, 2023 at 2:59 AM
would be a great nemesis for the flash
“deadbolt” has gotta have among the highest coolness-of-name : coolness-of-actual-thing ratios out there
December 3, 2023 at 1:52 AM
“deadbolt” has gotta have among the highest coolness-of-name : coolness-of-actual-thing ratios out there
Reposted by geoff
This is the best text from an ex anyone has ever gotten
November 30, 2023 at 3:50 AM
This is the best text from an ex anyone has ever gotten
Reposted by geoff
INTERVIEWER: so your resume says you used to be in the theater
ME: yes that is correct
INTERVIEWER: what made you leave it?
ME: well, the movie ended so
ME: yes that is correct
INTERVIEWER: what made you leave it?
ME: well, the movie ended so
November 30, 2023 at 6:10 PM
INTERVIEWER: so your resume says you used to be in the theater
ME: yes that is correct
INTERVIEWER: what made you leave it?
ME: well, the movie ended so
ME: yes that is correct
INTERVIEWER: what made you leave it?
ME: well, the movie ended so
TEACHER: pneumonic devices can help you remember key information
ME IN AN IRON LUNG: where the hell are my keys
ME IN AN IRON LUNG: where the hell are my keys
November 29, 2023 at 4:36 AM
TEACHER: pneumonic devices can help you remember key information
ME IN AN IRON LUNG: where the hell are my keys
ME IN AN IRON LUNG: where the hell are my keys
whipped cream is the gravy of dessert
November 24, 2023 at 5:39 AM
whipped cream is the gravy of dessert
Reposted by geoff
me: [doing standup] you guys want to hear a sad little joke?
from the back of the room: I’m hearing one right now!
me: *sobbing* you promised you’d stay in the car, dad
from the back of the room: I’m hearing one right now!
me: *sobbing* you promised you’d stay in the car, dad
August 28, 2023 at 10:23 AM
me: [doing standup] you guys want to hear a sad little joke?
from the back of the room: I’m hearing one right now!
me: *sobbing* you promised you’d stay in the car, dad
from the back of the room: I’m hearing one right now!
me: *sobbing* you promised you’d stay in the car, dad
BERT: fruity frozen dessert isn’t the same thing as agreeing with me, okay?
ME: sherbet
ME: sherbet
November 18, 2023 at 9:43 AM
BERT: fruity frozen dessert isn’t the same thing as agreeing with me, okay?
ME: sherbet
ME: sherbet
Lance Legstrong would’ve kept his yellow jerseys
November 18, 2023 at 9:09 AM
Lance Legstrong would’ve kept his yellow jerseys
ME HANDING OVER A BIRD: that’ll be two birds in bushes please
November 18, 2023 at 9:04 AM
ME HANDING OVER A BIRD: that’ll be two birds in bushes please
He [sh]ow[e]r[s] in [bro]’s [k]itch[en]
November 18, 2023 at 8:53 AM
He [sh]ow[e]r[s] in [bro]’s [k]itch[en]
Witch hunters selling fuel for stake burnings called “Pro-pain”
November 18, 2023 at 6:59 AM
Witch hunters selling fuel for stake burnings called “Pro-pain”
Vaseline is like the kale of dermatology
November 17, 2023 at 4:55 PM
Vaseline is like the kale of dermatology
Reposted by geoff
Three years into COVID and my Hannah Montana hand sanitizer is still sealed. This thing gonna pay for my retirement.
September 11, 2023 at 1:09 AM
Three years into COVID and my Hannah Montana hand sanitizer is still sealed. This thing gonna pay for my retirement.