I made some frankly preposterously good looking spaghetti for the kids. Fresh parm, homemade meatballs, fresh chopped basil. Restaurant looking stuff.

My 6 year old: Dad can I say heck?
Me: sure buddy:
My 6 year old: This spaghetti looks good as fuck.

The fact that Disney bought Star Wars and bought the Muppets and haven’t done a Muppets Star Wars is a crime.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he'll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

DJ X: “Next, I’ve got some metalcore and self-help on the way!”

Me: “Oh X, they are the same thing”

when i worked at circle k we had to lock up the beers at night because they came to life once

Soft close toilets should be mandatory everywhere

My wife & I tried role play but we kept fighting over who would be Mr. Bean

disney exec: it’s about a guy who thinks he’s a monkey lol. probably don’t need anything too crazy for the soundtrack.

phil collins: [eyes glowing white, levitating above the ground] no

Did you know that by substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can eliminate up to 93% of what little joy you have left?

I think they should nominate Dr Pepper for Surgeon General. It’s time. He’s earned it.

if you want to see the character of "C3P0" i personally reccomend watching one of the star wars movies

Now that I've fled Leon's site for bluer skies, I'm sure I'll be called an #Ex-X, but personally, I'll always consider myself a #TwitterQuitter.

chromakopia is so damn good guys