How do you live day by day surrounded by the insanity? How do you watch the news and not want to smash every sense of reality?

My roommate saw me put more cheese onto a frozen pizza & it was like I unlocked something in him. I saw the wheels turning as he realized we don't have to settle for the default amount of cheese the pizza overlords offer us. What goes onto the frozen pizza is in our control. We have the power.

I know when someone says something rules they mean very cool, but I like to imagine it reigning over that shit, like if someone says spaghetti rules they may mean bow down to your pasta overlord

Deducting the news by reading shitposts

I hate having to know about all the stupid things currently going on. A parade of morons stomping through my brain uninvited

In a sentence never before uttered by humans, I am delighted to share that an alligator stole my conservation instructor’s hat by jauntily walking into the water while wearing it 🐊

Weird Al is the wisest man of all for knowing the one simple truth: Food is Funny.

Who do you think you are you Muffin Mouthed Manhole?

Sorry I can’t come in today, there’s a cat on my lap.

Showing Phone to Cat:

This is all your fault!

All I want from Quiznos is soup.