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Lance Said This

@lancesaidthis.bsky.social

3.3K followers 780 following 540 posts

A dorky, fun loving souse who likes crosswords & people who don't litter. Wrote for Rules of Engagement (CBS), Stuck in the Middle (Disney), & more. Just here for jokes. My Stuff: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:5ek6l2rvwipwzzebkdcc2jai/feed/aaaoulnn7lmgq

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Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · Aug 12

Ordering drinks in Vegas is like, "The lady will have a glass of your finest Pinot Noir, and I will have 48 ounces of well rum and Hawaiian Punch served in a giant plastic guitar."

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Rob Cee @therobcee.bsky.social · 1d

*slides used cup full of vodka across the Dunkin counter*

Pumpkin me, maestro.

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Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 3d

I have to admit, I'm kind of afraid of heights. Not that thrilled with depths either. Come to think of it, the ground is pretty lousy too.

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Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 5d

I want the waiter adding parmesan to my dish to have all the enthusiasm of the Hawk Tuah girl.

Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 5d

All of Bourbon Street smells like that drink regurgitated.

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Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 7d

That's it, I'm running for Congress. Not that I have great ideas on how to fix things, but I do feel very overqualified for getting paid to do nothing.

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One Dog’s Opinion 🐾 @onedogsopinion.bsky.social · 7d

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

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chris. @azedand2knots.bsky.social · 7d

My organs have failed to live up to my expectations.

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Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 8d

I have a fondness for jaundice

Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 8d

Baseball playoffs starts today and if the Dodgers win, then all is right in the world!

Except for, you know, all the other crappy things still going on in the world.

Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 14d

It's weird to think that in today's world, Martin Luther King would be a podcaster.

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Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 16d

It's the first night of Fall! And after a few drinks I'll have my first fall of the night!

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The Real Kim Shady @kimmysunshine.bsky.social · 19d

Disney tomorrow:

a bald man in a white shirt and black tie is holding a brush .

ALT: a bald man in a white shirt and black tie is holding a brush .

media.tenor.com

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Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 17d

Dallas is going to lose to the lowly Chicago Bears, but the Cowboys are so bad right now, they could lose to the Charmin Bears.

Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 17d

I was so frustrated when I woke up this morning because I was dreaming I was about to go eat a sandwich I remembered I had put in the fridge in a previous dream.

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Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 19d

What's the most amount of money you just found? Once, I found a wallet with three hundred bucks in it that was just sitting in the pocket of these pants this guy was wearing.

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Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 19d

What's the most amount of money you just found? Once, I found a wallet with three hundred bucks in it that was just sitting in the pocket of these pants this guy was wearing.

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Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 20d

If this shirt stays this clean by the end of dinner it's because he used the Constitution as a bib.

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Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 23d

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn't understand how cars worked before...

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Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 24d

In Canadian Football, it's considered rude to decline a penalty.

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Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 25d

There's a service dog in this restaurant and he's terrible. Hasn't even refilled my water glass once.

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Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 26d

So great that RFK is making companies return to using sugar instead of that artificial fructose corn syrup. It's the same reason why I'm giving up crystal meth for that good ol' natural cocaine.

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Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 29d

This container of ice cream I just bought says "best by November 21, 2025." Uh, buddy, that could've said "best by this afternoon" and we'd still be okay.

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Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · Sep 2

Just a reminder, you didn't have an "accident" if the intent was to crap your pants all along.

Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · Sep 1

Funny how we're all celebrating our "labor" this weekend, considering what crappy employees we've become ever since we discovered Social Media.

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GᵣₐbₜₕₑWₑₙₑₛₛ @ayankdownunder.bsky.social · Aug 29

When do we get to start blinding people with science.

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