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chris.

@azedand2knots.bsky.social

15K followers 1.4K following 3.8K posts

Horrors and hot dogs. (she/they) Latest https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:kpnkmducrwtq3ly4miy3ymoe/feed/aaajole3giqdq Random https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:kpnkmducrwtq3ly4miy3ymoe/feed/aaadr7exzc3rw

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chris. @azedand2knots.bsky.social · May 23

The thrum of anticipation reverberates until I open the barn doors and release the swarm of young Girl Guides, free at last to enact their scourge upon the land.

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Reposted by chris.

WitchyBlob @blobstar.bsky.social · 1h

I gave your dad a pack of cigarettes. He'll be home soon.

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chris. @azedand2knots.bsky.social · 43m

Bury me in the midnight soil, or the mountain of spent Costco frittata wrappers from this morning's breakfast, whatever is handiest, really.

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Reposted by chris.

DaddyJew @daddyjew.bsky.social · Jan 17

*gets pulled over*

Cop: do you know why I followed you?

Me: bc you thought I was funny

Cop: what?

Me: what???

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Reposted by chris.

MadHatterMommy @madhattermommy.bsky.social · 1d

I asked my aunt to email something from her computer, and she had to start by creating her email address and somehow ended getting her own website and social media platform.

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Reposted by chris.

Scare Blair @blairloudly.bsky.social · 13h

the world is too desensitized we should be screaming our terror in harmony at this point

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ObsidianShiv @obsidianshiv.bsky.social · 14h

Auto-erotic asphyxiation but it's just me choking to death on lasagna

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Kellaweena 🎃 @kellalena.bsky.social · 17h

I’ve never let an onion ring go to voicemail.

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Reposted by chris.

GᵣₐbₜₕₑWₑₙₑₛₛ @ayankdownunder.bsky.social · 14h

Here, smoke some mirrors.

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Idle @hatesnicethings.bsky.social · 20h

You’re not a piece of shit. You’re like, the entire shit.

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headless horseDan @etbeeegood.bsky.social · 15h

having a lil private Halloween candy festival in the garage w some moths

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Twin Dad But SpoOooOky @twinsurvivalist.bsky.social · 14h

FETCH ME MY DIPPING FROSTING!

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jordan pumpkin spice [ham] @nursemurderer.bsky.social · 14h

it’s 743 don’t forget to feel bad about yourself

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Scare Blair @blairloudly.bsky.social · 1d

how many apps do i have to flip through to see god

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stuforreal.bsky.social @stuforreal.bsky.social · 19h

If you are reading this then congratulations you've successfully avoided getting killed so far today good job

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Reposted by chris.

m-m-m-mike☺︎!👻 @m1keonl1ne.bsky.social · 19h

Sorry, I don't mess around with any women who are on the spectrum (visible)

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chris. @azedand2knots.bsky.social · 17h

Yes.

Reposted by chris.

headless horseDan @etbeeegood.bsky.social · 19h

sometimes feel like reverting to egg form

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Grant Tanaka @granttanaka.bsky.social · 21h

they say that exercise helps depression, but how did accidentally sharting on a treadmill help exactly

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Jason Goes to Hell @benedictsred.bsky.social · 1d

Campaigning to be the democratic socialist mayor of Margaritaville

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BEAVE @beaveinflow.bsky.social · 18h

Moisturizing daily with top quality skin lotion, not for me, but for the artisan who’ll one day make me into a table lamp.

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Reposted by chris.

Idle @hatesnicethings.bsky.social · 1d

Not to brag but if I wrote that Tubthumping song, it would’ve ended after that first line.

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Tusk Jenkins @tuskjenkins.bsky.social · 1d

I get glitched in the matrix all the time but I don't ask for manager shit cause I'm no Kareanu

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Reposted by chris.

Viktor Winetrout @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social · 1d

If Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban can't make it, what hope is there for me and the black monolith that knows all things

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captcha @dopeshow.bsky.social · 1d

I'm pretty sure 98% of people saying "I'm going to Mastodon" have never been to Mastodon, don't want to go, and will absolutely hate it

If anything we should all be going to Outback Steakhouse

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d.ly @dly.bsky.social · 1d

[when someone tries to move their cat off camera during a call]

LEAVE IT 🔫

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