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Twin Dad But SpoOooOky

@twinsurvivalist.bsky.social

7.8K followers 1.1K following 7.6K posts

I love Peeps, Miracle Whip, Pepsi, pineapple on pizza, and bleu cheese. I'm basically perfect. Pfp by onehourlate My dumb jokes: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:svme5pcm35w2kjzvtqjfe6pz/feed/aaae4clm6s64m

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Twin Dad But SpoOooOky @twinsurvivalist.bsky.social · Mar 9

Joggers? Oh no, dear. These are sitters.

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Grant Tanaka @granttanaka.bsky.social · 22h

they say that exercise helps depression, but how did accidentally sharting on a treadmill help exactly

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Beth @bethh.bsky.social · 23h

I wish we could block people on Teams

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Twin Dad But SpoOooOky @twinsurvivalist.bsky.social · 14h

I thank you for the suggestion 🙏

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A Big Ail @kissabix.bsky.social · 2d

Lion King is my favourite film about what your friends can help you overcome if you don't eat them.

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A Big Ail @kissabix.bsky.social · 1d

Being a crafty nymphomaniac is exhausting, I open my phone to look at porn and instead zone out to DIY short videos

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A Big Ail @kissabix.bsky.social · 22h

As someone from the UK, I really need to say, "Oh, I left my brolly in the loo," because it will sound so fun.

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Scare-E @officelinebacker.bsky.social · 19h

Just had a whole bunch of green M&M’s, so apologies in advance if you get a horny DM from me

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Amber @thatsnotamber.bsky.social · 16h

I burned my mouth on pizza again- a memoir

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Twin Dad But SpoOooOky @twinsurvivalist.bsky.social · 14h

FETCH ME MY DIPPING FROSTING!

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Brick's 𝕳𝖆𝖚𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖉 House 🍁🎃 @brickmahoney.bsky.social · 2d

Myself is giving in and going to start using reflexive pronouns incorrectly

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GᵣₐbₜₕₑWₑₙₑₛₛ @ayankdownunder.bsky.social · 15h

I just got naked to jump in the shower.

My apologies if my paleness is screwing up your nighttime astronomy viewing.

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ficklenuts has a pair of normal entiddies 👻 @ficklenuts.bsky.social · 1d

I only make typos to blend in with the regular mortals

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Midge @midge.bsky.social · 2d

them: protect your family’s financial future

me: *gently places Splenda packets and Kohl’s coupons in safe deposit box*

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Daisy @daisy91.bsky.social · 2d

Might create an alt just to pretend like I have a boyfriend.

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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 1d

One day you’re young and reckless. The next, you’re looking forward to soup season.

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Swim Jeans 👖 @shortsleevesuit.bsky.social · 21h

DOCTOR: we found drugs in your system

ME: is there anything you can do

DOCTOR: no you did them all

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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud.bsky.social · 1d

*quietly beatboxing while the judge delivers my sentence

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Misery Highlight @miseryhighlight.bsky.social · 23h

It doesn’t take enough effort to eat a Reese’s peanut butter cup. It should take longer.

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Mr. Bea Arthur, Dead Inside™️ @steamymac.bsky.social · 2d

The terrible is coming from inside the house. And outside the house. And the ice cream shop. And theme parks. It’s terrible everywhere, I think.

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BooSlice👻🔪 @twosense.bsky.social · 3d

I saw you liked my comment about farting on your face. My ring size is 5.

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Reverie 💀🕯️ @augustreverie.bsky.social · 3d

This milkshake is too frozen. I’m sucking on this straw like it’s going to pay me

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Not JPo @notjpo.bsky.social · 1d

I like to tell people I’m a comedian so they’ll know my posts aren’t funny

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Forrest Plump @nahyoudoit.bsky.social · 1d

Listen, I’m old and lazy. You can go to Mastadon if you want, but I’ll stay here to get ignored.

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GᵣₐbₜₕₑWₑₙₑₛₛ @ayankdownunder.bsky.social · 21h

“I will not die of dysentery in this video game!” I wail in 8-bit audio.

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Mr. Bea Arthur, Dead Inside™️ @steamymac.bsky.social · 2d

Them: Tits or ass?

Me: Someone who will hit me in the face with a shovel.

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