HARD BOILED DETECTIVE: another cruel sunrise over the city of the damned. another corpse. another widow. another cup of black coffee to drag my sorry ass back to life- *sputtering*

ME: do you like it? it's an ethiopian washed process single origin

DETECTIVE:

ME: are you getting apricot notes

Article headline: astronomers have identified massive black hole on possible collision course with earth!

Article text: scientists say the enormous black hole, which lies in the direction of the Centaurus A galaxy, may come within 500 quintillion miles of our planet in 3.7 billion years

A movie in which Jason Statham stars as a former world-class chef who is now living a quiet life as an international assassin for a mysterious government agency but is called back by his old employer for one last job: catering the wedding of the ambassador's daughter

why stop at carrot cake? here have some asparagus pudding you sick fuck

"salmonella" is spanish for "she's a salmon"

People who laugh at a Tesla exploding are showing their ignorance of automotive engineering. This is a normal part of the development process, and the data gathered from the explosion will help Tesla to one day build a car that doesn’t explode

It gives me great comfort when manufacturers of face cream and toothpaste put "developed by dermatologists" and "developed by dentists" on their packaging. Helps me distinguish from those face creams and toothpastes developed by accountants and forklift operators.

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*