Inside every man rages the same eternal battle: king kong versus godzilla

Inside every man rages the same eternal battle: king kong versus godzilla

billboard: hey look at me
me: can’t I’m driving
billboard: come on look
me: eyes on the road
billboard: pls it’s important
me: fine what is it
billboard: drive safely lol

Another win for the stock market master!

The numbers are in. Despite the fact that I ate a burrito, my house still needs a new roof

"anything in English" these people are a parody of themselves

The most mentally fragile, comically buffoonish group of people in history. "Counterprogramming" during the super bowl because the guy performing won't be sitting on stage in an F-150 singing about coors light and divorce

The numbers are in. Despite these two things that had zero likelihood of addressing the budget deficit, the budget deficit is still bad

“I’m strong and I want to have like fifty kids and a farm” of course you do. You’re twelve. “I don’t want to eat vegetables I think steak and French fries is the only meal” hell yeah homie you’re twelve. “Maybe if there’s crime we should just send the army” bless your heart my twelve year old buddy

working on a new unified theory of american reality i'm calling "everyone is twelve now"

if you’re charging $40 for your haunted house i better be able to fuck a ghost or at the very least make pottery with one.

STEVE HARVEY: something with 8 legs you don’t want to see in your bedroom
ME, BUZZING IN IMMEDIATELY: 4 men fucking my wife

We're talking about a guy who hates Tuesdays...

Archeologist: we've decoded the Rosetta Stone! Now we can read Egyptian hieroglyphics!

Reporter: amazing! [pointing to image of a bird] what does this one mean?

Archeologist: that means "bird"

Reporter: ok... [pointing to image of a cat] and this one?

Archeologist: you're not gonna believe this,

[Trump announces that ICE agents will now wear white hoods]

New York Times: the president makes a bold fashion statement

it's called a fleshlight because jack-o-lantern was taken

DMV Worker: Stop staring at your phone while I take your driver's license photo

Guy: But this is how I look when I drive

hell yeah!!

Mid-2000s but I'll allow it

Classic player for the Pittsburgh 85ers

Forgot that nobody on here knows anything about sporpsball

Y'all are whining about people being mean to algorithms when you should be debating late-90s NBA shooting guards. Bro, you're thinking about the wrong AI

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