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TeenagePhlebotomy

@teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social

4.1K followers 3.2K following 12K posts

My neighbor had chickens in his unfenced yard and they shit all over my lawn and patio but now they're dead. I had nothing to do with it.

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Reposted by TeenagePhlebotomy

Forrest Plump @nahyoudoit.bsky.social · 2h

JUDGE: are you both sure there’s nothing that could save your marriage?

ME: your honor, he asked me “what has 9 arms and sucks?”

JUDGE: so what was the answer?

ME: Def Leppard

JUDGE: jfc what an asshole I declare this marriage dissolved

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TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 1h

I will do no such thing to Lawrence the Robust and The Dangler.

TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 1h

I also taunted a man in Reno just to watch him cry.

TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 1h

I call it the BB Top.

TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 1h

Mine already has a blood-related word in it. Its a name for all seasons.

Reposted by TeenagePhlebotomy

little lamb @puddleofbrain.bsky.social · 1h

If you have a beautiful penis you can jack off wherever you want

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TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 1h

Those guys knew what was what.

TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 1h

A fuckin' classic of the form.

TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 2h

Kid: I'm hungry.

Me: Oh.

Kid: What can I eat?

Me: Food.

Kid: Will you make me ravioli.

Me: Shazam. You are ravioli.

Kid: I'll just get some chips.

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TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 2h

I truly felt honored to see the dog in action.

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Reposted by TeenagePhlebotomy

✨the daniel✨ @intelectconfig.wtf · Feb 3

God damn this shiny new shirt looks so damn good

A cut and sew all over shirt design that has the color test stripes on them but in pride colors

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TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 2h

I had a friend in suburban Chicago. Her neighbor and landlord had trained his dog to get him canned beers from the fridge. His wife remarked, "You don't know how many times I came home to find passed out on the couch in a heap of empties knowing he didn't move the whole time I was gone."

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TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 2h

The Guns of Brixton and many other tunes more than adequately address the proper response to the burgeoning fascist state, if you're more into pop culture than history.

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TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 2h

I am wise.

TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 2h

That is perfect.

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TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 2h

Benzos and booze.

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TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 2h

I just don't have the energy to fuck that many people.

Frostbitten Flamingo @flemtheparrot.bsky.social · Jun 20

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TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 2h

I got kicked out of a Bloomington, Ind., mall-based McDonald's in 1986. So, yeah, I'm a bad motherfucker.

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TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 2h

I just got a residual check for $.82. Turns out I was the maraca guy for The Fall for two weeks in 2002.

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TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 2h

Reginald's Flambé

TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 2h

Delightful!

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Reposted by TeenagePhlebotomy

muhr-eerie @marie.likes.earth · 2h

googling the definition of a word i should know in an incognito tab

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TeenagePhlebotomy @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social · 2h

One of the loveliest little moments in my life was when I found myself holed up in a nondescript motel somewhere in Tennessee with two 24-ounce Miller Lites, a sack of McDonalds and baseball on the tv.

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Reposted by TeenagePhlebotomy

mr pussy @mrpussy.xyz · 2h

awwwwww is your dying empire having its last gasps 😢😢

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Reposted by TeenagePhlebotomy

Lori @cornjerker78.bsky.social · 1d

Judge: you’re here because you booped the cop on the nose

Me: your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge covering his nose: absolutely not

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