Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
Comedy writer. "Have I Got News For You", "Last Week Tonight", "The Amber Ruffin Show." Author of "A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo" and "The Someone New." Friend to several penguins.
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
· Apr 4
My body is not cut out to be this furious all the time. I am built for naming dogs Doctor Reginald Pancakes and telling people about the time two bees stung me while I was on the toilet
Reposted by Jill Twiss
I don't know if I'd mess with Mark Kelly. He's got an identical twin, so they can really get you with all the hijinks
November 25, 2025 at 4:12 AM
I don't know if I'd mess with Mark Kelly. He's got an identical twin, so they can really get you with all the hijinks
I don't know if I'd mess with Mark Kelly. He's got an identical twin, so they can really get you with all the hijinks
November 25, 2025 at 4:12 AM
I don't know if I'd mess with Mark Kelly. He's got an identical twin, so they can really get you with all the hijinks
*Into The Woods voice* "A baking accident"
When I was a kid Ma was known for her desserts. Her Thanksgiving job was several pies, fruit and meat, all with homemade crust. One year her crusts were ruined in a baking accident and she had to use frozen store bought. Did 10-year-old me announce that fact to the whole family? I sure did.
November 25, 2025 at 1:27 AM
*Into The Woods voice* "A baking accident"
I don't think we should classify the presidency as a profession anymore
November 25, 2025 at 1:26 AM
I don't think we should classify the presidency as a profession anymore
Feel very strongly that this trend must not catch on at the New York Times
Anyway, here's an abstract nude of our new editor nypost.com/2025/11/24/m...
Vanity Fair to publish ‘abstract nude portrait’ of Olivia Nuzzi — as scandal-plagued journalist accused of shirking job duties: report
Vanity Fair staffers privately gripe that Olivia Nuzzi has failed to carry out core duties since joining the magazine, according to a report.
nypost.com
November 24, 2025 at 10:33 PM
Feel very strongly that this trend must not catch on at the New York Times
I LIKE WATCHING THEM LOSE SO MUCH I AM GIGGLING IN MY APARTMENT
BREAKING: Comey case dismissed without prejudice. Halligan invalidly appointed, judge rules. storage.courtlistener.com/recap/gov.us...
November 24, 2025 at 6:41 PM
I LIKE WATCHING THEM LOSE SO MUCH I AM GIGGLING IN MY APARTMENT
"What if an 11 year old boy designed Alexa?"
Everything about this might be the saddest thing I’ve ever seen
November 24, 2025 at 4:36 PM
"What if an 11 year old boy designed Alexa?"
People complain a lot about turkey but try having your kindergarten class make hand-pork-roasts. NOT SO FUN IS IT
November 24, 2025 at 5:15 AM
People complain a lot about turkey but try having your kindergarten class make hand-pork-roasts. NOT SO FUN IS IT
Reposted by Jill Twiss
Thanksgiving expert here. This is the only respectful way to reveal the gender of the turkey
There is a post circulating on Bluesky encouraging the moving of a frozen turkey straight into a pot of hot oil. We are combating this misinformation the best way we know how - through the power of dance music.
November 23, 2025 at 6:00 PM
Thanksgiving expert here. This is the only respectful way to reveal the gender of the turkey
we should get paid to floss
November 23, 2025 at 5:31 AM
we should get paid to floss
i was doing stand up comedy but it made me want to throw up all the time and I was like "why is the audience so insistent on being involved?", so I realized I might secretly be a writer
November 22, 2025 at 8:51 PM
i was doing stand up comedy but it made me want to throw up all the time and I was like "why is the audience so insistent on being involved?", so I realized I might secretly be a writer
This is what Fred from Scooby Doo looks like after 60 years of hard mysteries
November 22, 2025 at 7:01 PM
This is what Fred from Scooby Doo looks like after 60 years of hard mysteries
All my haters will be my taters at the Thanksgiving table of success
November 20, 2025 at 8:33 PM
All my haters will be my taters at the Thanksgiving table of success
If this cheese sells a pilot before i do, i swear to god
United Talent Agency has signed literal type of cheese Parmigiano Reggiano to its roster with the goal of finding product-placement opportunities for the brand in film and TV
www.vulture.com/article/parm...?
www.vulture.com/article/parm...?
Beloved Cheese Parmigiano Reggiano Signs With UTA
The blonde Italian bombshell is about to be all over film and TV.
www.vulture.com
November 20, 2025 at 3:24 AM
If this cheese sells a pilot before i do, i swear to god
Now we find out the grand jury...never saw the final indictment to vote on? Sometimes when things get worse, they somehow get even funnier
I’m not a lawyer but I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to tell the jury to “vote assuming we actually have a whole bunch more secret evidence”
November 19, 2025 at 7:45 PM
Now we find out the grand jury...never saw the final indictment to vote on? Sometimes when things get worse, they somehow get even funnier
Reposted by Jill Twiss
sending blankets infected with Impostor Syndrome to the DOJ
NEWS: During a hearing in federal court in VA, prosecutors confirmed that the operative indictment in the case against James Comey was never shown to or voted on by the entire grand jury before it was presented in open court.
Defense counsel argued that’s a complete bar to further prosecution
Defense counsel argued that’s a complete bar to further prosecution
November 19, 2025 at 5:53 PM
sending blankets infected with Impostor Syndrome to the DOJ
i did some of the best work of my career when i watched 47 episodes of Gilmore Girls whilst eating a rotisserie chicken
Mike Johnson says House Republicans “did some of the best work of their careers” when they stayed home for the duration of the government shutdown.
November 18, 2025 at 9:59 PM
i did some of the best work of my career when i watched 47 episodes of Gilmore Girls whilst eating a rotisserie chicken
oh god this is gonna end with Larry Summers contacting Olivia Nuzzi isn't it
November 18, 2025 at 5:26 AM
oh god this is gonna end with Larry Summers contacting Olivia Nuzzi isn't it
when people say "she has a type" THE TYPE ISN'T USUALLY THIS SPECIFIC
oh my god you have to read this until the end www.telos.news/p/part-1-how...
Part 1: How I Found Out
Olivia had just returned from a reporting trip—at least that’s what she told me it was—and her Herschel backpack, the one with the flap that never quite closed properly, was tossed beside our bed, its...
www.telos.news
November 18, 2025 at 2:24 AM
when people say "she has a type" THE TYPE ISN'T USUALLY THIS SPECIFIC
I’m not a lawyer but I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to tell the jury to “vote assuming we actually have a whole bunch more secret evidence”
November 17, 2025 at 8:32 PM
I’m not a lawyer but I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to tell the jury to “vote assuming we actually have a whole bunch more secret evidence”
It's starting to appear like the Pope just made a list of famous people he wants to hang out with and now we're all watching his bucket list
November 16, 2025 at 1:11 AM
It's starting to appear like the Pope just made a list of famous people he wants to hang out with and now we're all watching his bucket list
hello today i am getting a Covid vaccine and watching The Muppet Christmas Carol and it will be perfect
November 15, 2025 at 7:35 PM
hello today i am getting a Covid vaccine and watching The Muppet Christmas Carol and it will be perfect
How do you know it was accidental? www.nytimes.com/2025/11/14/u...
Dog Accidentally Shoots and Injures a Pennsylvania Man, Police Say
www.nytimes.com
November 15, 2025 at 1:02 AM
How do you know it was accidental? www.nytimes.com/2025/11/14/u...
this is extremely O.J. "We're Still Looking For The Real Killer" coded
Breaking News: Pam Bondi assigned a prosecutor to look into Jeffrey Epstein’s ties to prominent Democrats including Bill Clinton, at President Trump’s urging.
Trump Live Updates: Bondi Assigns Prosecutor to Look Into Epstein’s Ties to Prominent Democrats
nyti.ms
November 14, 2025 at 9:51 PM
this is extremely O.J. "We're Still Looking For The Real Killer" coded
this is going to end with so many people trying to Sext with Jesus
The app Text With Jesus uses artificial intelligence and chatbots to offer spiritual guidance to users who are looking to connect with a higher power: on.nbc10.com/7XM8xrf
People can text with Jesus on a controversial new app. How does it work?
Artificial intelligence app Text With Jesus lets users chat with biblical figures and it is raising debate over faith and technology.
on.nbc10.com
November 14, 2025 at 9:38 PM
this is going to end with so many people trying to Sext with Jesus