Heather Balmat
@balmatlaw.bsky.social
Trademark wrangler, transplanted New Englander, wife, mom. (She/her)
Sprite: is this heaven?
January 5, 2026 at 9:49 PM
Sprite: is this heaven?
Reposted by Heather Balmat
The FIFA Peace Prize used to mean something
January 3, 2026 at 6:12 PM
The FIFA Peace Prize used to mean something
Reposted by Heather Balmat
The president demanding "Do you know who I am??" but it's a genuine, information-seeking question
January 2, 2026 at 5:56 PM
The president demanding "Do you know who I am??" but it's a genuine, information-seeking question
Reposted by Heather Balmat
Just making sure that 2025 is definitely over
January 1, 2026 at 4:43 AM
Just making sure that 2025 is definitely over
Showing 2025 out with fire and wine.
December 31, 2025 at 8:01 PM
Showing 2025 out with fire and wine.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but today is a great day to check for lunchboxes lingering in kids’ backpacks from the last day of school before the winter break. Ask me how I know.
December 24, 2025 at 2:00 PM
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but today is a great day to check for lunchboxes lingering in kids’ backpacks from the last day of school before the winter break. Ask me how I know.
Reposted by Heather Balmat
You get that cover-up done? Yeah, boss, all ham-fisted and incompetent, just like you asked
December 23, 2025 at 3:18 PM
You get that cover-up done? Yeah, boss, all ham-fisted and incompetent, just like you asked
The co-branding can’t stop won’t stop.
11-YO: Father, you know how Wicked has been collab-ing?
ME: Ye-es?*
11-YO: Well, they're now collab-ing with CREST!
ME: ...
11-YO: ...
ME: ...
11-YO: The toothpaste?
ME: ...
11-YO: Father, there COMES A POINT
*No, but sometimes it's easier to just play along
ME: Ye-es?*
11-YO: Well, they're now collab-ing with CREST!
ME: ...
11-YO: ...
ME: ...
11-YO: The toothpaste?
ME: ...
11-YO: Father, there COMES A POINT
*No, but sometimes it's easier to just play along
December 23, 2025 at 2:44 PM
The co-branding can’t stop won’t stop.
Reposted by Heather Balmat
Tonight’s dumb napkin cartoon…
December 22, 2025 at 12:43 AM
Tonight’s dumb napkin cartoon…
Holiday greetings from Sprite and the elf.
December 21, 2025 at 6:29 PM
Holiday greetings from Sprite and the elf.
Spouse: have you seen the news?
Me: can you be more specific?
(He was referring to the UVA president announcement, but I’m like Epstein files? Stefanik going away? Something else?)
Me: can you be more specific?
(He was referring to the UVA president announcement, but I’m like Epstein files? Stefanik going away? Something else?)
December 19, 2025 at 9:42 PM
Spouse: have you seen the news?
Me: can you be more specific?
(He was referring to the UVA president announcement, but I’m like Epstein files? Stefanik going away? Something else?)
Me: can you be more specific?
(He was referring to the UVA president announcement, but I’m like Epstein files? Stefanik going away? Something else?)
Reposted by Heather Balmat
Man answering his phone on the train: Yes? Correct, I’m not at work (pause) I’m not going to answer that because I am not at work today. No, you’re going to have to ask someone who is. Goodbye.
December 17, 2025 at 9:30 AM
Man answering his phone on the train: Yes? Correct, I’m not at work (pause) I’m not going to answer that because I am not at work today. No, you’re going to have to ask someone who is. Goodbye.
Reposted by Heather Balmat
You effete reporters are in there in your air conditioned offices, miles from the scene of battle, while I, the fearless and manly Secretary of War am here in my ... air ... condi ... uh, I'll come in again
Q: So you didn't see any survivors after that first strike?
HEGSETH: I did not personally see survivors. The thing was on fire. This is called the fog of war. This is what you in the press don't understand. You sit in your air conditioned offices and plant fake stories in the Washington Post
HEGSETH: I did not personally see survivors. The thing was on fire. This is called the fog of war. This is what you in the press don't understand. You sit in your air conditioned offices and plant fake stories in the Washington Post
December 2, 2025 at 8:41 PM
You effete reporters are in there in your air conditioned offices, miles from the scene of battle, while I, the fearless and manly Secretary of War am here in my ... air ... condi ... uh, I'll come in again
I can’t be the only Gen Xer who grew up in Jersey with the ad stuck in their head now.
Do it, Trump. Reopen Action Park.
December 3, 2025 at 12:12 AM
I can’t be the only Gen Xer who grew up in Jersey with the ad stuck in their head now.
Reposted by Heather Balmat
Who needs turkey when you have a catnip shark? (It’s a trick - he still wants turkey.)
November 27, 2025 at 2:54 PM
Who needs turkey when you have a catnip shark? (It’s a trick - he still wants turkey.)
Reposted by Heather Balmat
It’s actually more expensive to breed half turkeys because they have to buy them all little kickstands
November 25, 2025 at 10:15 PM
It’s actually more expensive to breed half turkeys because they have to buy them all little kickstands
And so the Thanksgiving preparations begin.
November 25, 2025 at 10:09 AM
And so the Thanksgiving preparations begin.
It finally happened- the two neighborhood Jaspers have met! Both are good boys. #walkswithJasper #dogs
November 22, 2025 at 3:54 PM
It finally happened- the two neighborhood Jaspers have met! Both are good boys. #walkswithJasper #dogs
Reposted by Heather Balmat
Romcom where two loathsome journalists live together for a year, shtupp multiple presidential candidates, air their grievances in dreadful prose, then, exhausted, unknowingly open competing candle shops in the same Vermont village, and get back together while promising never to write again
November 22, 2025 at 2:57 PM
Romcom where two loathsome journalists live together for a year, shtupp multiple presidential candidates, air their grievances in dreadful prose, then, exhausted, unknowingly open competing candle shops in the same Vermont village, and get back together while promising never to write again
Reposted by Heather Balmat
Before the midterms of 1866, President Andrew Johnson called his congressional opponents traitors and said they should be hanged.
Voters were so profoundly moved by his words... that they gave his opponents a supermajority in Congress, and the nation got the Fourteenth Amendment.
Voters were so profoundly moved by his words... that they gave his opponents a supermajority in Congress, and the nation got the Fourteenth Amendment.
November 20, 2025 at 3:33 PM
Before the midterms of 1866, President Andrew Johnson called his congressional opponents traitors and said they should be hanged.
Voters were so profoundly moved by his words... that they gave his opponents a supermajority in Congress, and the nation got the Fourteenth Amendment.
Voters were so profoundly moved by his words... that they gave his opponents a supermajority in Congress, and the nation got the Fourteenth Amendment.
Reposted by Heather Balmat
How your email finds me
November 15, 2025 at 5:51 PM
How your email finds me
Reposted by Heather Balmat
Even the dimmest, most troglodytic red-hat wearer must be starting to wonder if there isn’t something in the Epstein files Trump doesn’t want released.
November 15, 2025 at 4:55 AM
Even the dimmest, most troglodytic red-hat wearer must be starting to wonder if there isn’t something in the Epstein files Trump doesn’t want released.
Reposted by Heather Balmat
Today is the 9th anniversary of the day Maggie stole an entire pecan pie and got drunk from all the sugar. Happy Purloined Pecan Pie Day from our family to yours!
November 13, 2025 at 7:41 PM
Today is the 9th anniversary of the day Maggie stole an entire pecan pie and got drunk from all the sugar. Happy Purloined Pecan Pie Day from our family to yours!