ANN ARBOR, MI—Explaining that it’s just more convenient, local man Andrew Gomez told reporters Thursday that he’s gotten in the habit of placing a glass of water on his bedside table before he goes to sleep in case he needs to make a huge, sopping mess in the middle of the night. “Sometimes I’ll wake up at night, and it’s nice to be able to reach over and spill water all over my nightstand, comforter, and floor without having to get up,” said Gomez, noting that he usually places a brimming cupful of water next to his cell phone and unopened mail so that he can just awaken in a disoriented state and send the glass and its contents careening everywhere while fumbling for it in the dark. “Who wants to get out of bed and walk all the way to the kitchen to get a drink of water when they can spend half an hour in the middle of the night frantically drying off their possessions and picking up shards of broken glass? It’s definitely much easier this way.” Gomez added that, in the event he does not knock over the glass while reaching for it, there’s nothing quite like the taste of stale, room-temperature water.

When everything around you is the Mad Hatter's tea party with swastikas, common decency itself begins to look demented.