This Prime Day, did you know my wonderful, supportive indie publishers sell ebooks of their titles direct? And that you always get a great deal on them because no space bothering billionaire gets a cut? farragobooks.com

If he thinks Asians cant integrate Jenrick has clearly never been to a Maths olympiad.

If Bluesky fails, I will go on tour doing dramatic reads of all your skeets at coffeehouses across the country

if you’ve ever watched the apprentice, that’s the world without arts or humanities degrees

i know that kemi was saying something but also the dog startled herself with a fart and then left the room

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It's one way glass he can't see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

everybody’s jealous of me since I decided to get plastic surgery to have Cuttlefish skin. they‘re resentful because I camouflage myself as a brick wall or a gorseberry bush in order to steal their croissants off their plates at cafes. I’ve never felt so beautiful

look, when universities only had to let their friends' kids in to study latin it was simply a marker of natural intelligence and suitability for the cabinet. but now they let ANYONE in if they get the grades and can pay, even if their dad doesn't know the admissions tutor, so it's a woke hellscape

new labour's approach to the fact that people who graduate from university have, on average, better lives - which was: get more people into university - had some flaws, but on the whole i prefer that to the current system of "destroy universities so no-one can benefit from them"

“Your honor, in my defense, I have these fat tits.”

I just don't think there are that many people going "Well I wasn't going to vote for them before, but this policy of driving people out of studying the arts and humanities has changed my mind".

My OXO cubes have got really used to being in their box, and don’t want to come out. They’ve developed etc etc

sorry but politicians only care about writers who attack trans people, the rest of you don’t matter

feels like yet again time to mention that the *videogames* industry (that's a creative industry, which people do creative degrees in) brings in more than twice the amount to the British economy as the fishing and steel industries *combined*

One of the conspirators who helped Gavrilo Princip shoot Archduke Franz Ferdinand survived to see the breakup of Yugoslavia. He could conceivably have watched the Neighbours episode where Scott and Charlene got married

you’re in his DMs, I am in the little Gaulish village still holding out against the Roman invaders

“so how about next week you try to be more of a bo-YES-bo?” - chimp therapist

them, a crazed idealist: i won’t vote for that candidate whose policies are against my interests

you, a sensible pragmatist: sorry but there’s only three years to go and no possible way to find another candidate

Gavin Newsom would take a puppy from an orphan, rip the puppy apart with his bare hands and eat it while the orphan screamed if he thought it would win him one vote in Wisconsin.

Yes, yes I know I keep banging on about my fucking book! However, if you want one repost this and I’ll do a random winner pick thing by the end of the week because I’m great like that. ♥️📚
#amindofmyown

no, but personally i think that makes it funnier

*powdered sugar poofing from my mouth* i don’t know who ate your donuts

a fun fact about goodwin is that the only time he’s run for something was for school president and he was beaten by someone whose *only* policy was “a vote for goodwin is a vote for the gays”

BREAKING: Bluesky Announces New Slogan “Not as Transphobic as X, But We’re Working on It”