Fury Pesto
@furypesto.bsky.social
Car got a flat tire, went negative in my bank account, this is not my week...or even month. I'd go so far as to say not my year either. *distant guitar riff* Wait a second, oh no, I think I'm trapped in the F•R•I•E•N•D•S theme song.
December 4, 2025 at 6:16 PM
Car got a flat tire, went negative in my bank account, this is not my week...or even month. I'd go so far as to say not my year either. *distant guitar riff* Wait a second, oh no, I think I'm trapped in the F•R•I•E•N•D•S theme song.
I turned my head wrong yesterday now im in a wheelchair and bodycast
November 2, 2025 at 6:53 PM
I turned my head wrong yesterday now im in a wheelchair and bodycast
[Using a lint roller while my cat is making eye contact with me] no offense, sir
October 12, 2025 at 5:52 PM
[Using a lint roller while my cat is making eye contact with me] no offense, sir
I saw a ghost on the beach but I was on the bus so I just mimed "haunt me later" as we drove by
August 29, 2025 at 10:31 PM
I saw a ghost on the beach but I was on the bus so I just mimed "haunt me later" as we drove by
Co-worker: My high school friend got married this weekend
Me, a red-pilled alpha male: Heh, I hope he enjoys his cooties
Me, a red-pilled alpha male: Heh, I hope he enjoys his cooties
July 25, 2025 at 7:07 PM
Co-worker: My high school friend got married this weekend
Me, a red-pilled alpha male: Heh, I hope he enjoys his cooties
Me, a red-pilled alpha male: Heh, I hope he enjoys his cooties
Reposted by Fury Pesto
Darth Vader's full name is "Dartholomew Ernest Vader"
June 9, 2025 at 10:33 PM
Darth Vader's full name is "Dartholomew Ernest Vader"
Reposted by Fury Pesto
Thanos is short for Jonathanos
April 7, 2025 at 3:24 PM
Thanos is short for Jonathanos
Reposted by Fury Pesto
Hoobastank is not only a name for a band but also a name for my cat’s unwashed asshole
January 24, 2025 at 2:01 AM
Hoobastank is not only a name for a band but also a name for my cat’s unwashed asshole
@danethy.bsky.social One of the "Dane-isms" that I still use in my day-to-day life is whenever someone says, "Not gonna lie..", I thank them for not lying
April 7, 2025 at 7:01 PM
@danethy.bsky.social One of the "Dane-isms" that I still use in my day-to-day life is whenever someone says, "Not gonna lie..", I thank them for not lying
Reposted by Fury Pesto
Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage
March 14, 2025 at 5:55 PM
Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage
Friend: You have to release your stress.
Me: I do. In ulcer form.
Me: I do. In ulcer form.
February 15, 2025 at 2:23 AM
Friend: You have to release your stress.
Me: I do. In ulcer form.
Me: I do. In ulcer form.
Reposted by Fury Pesto
I was not meant to work, I was meant to run through an aged, decaying mansion lit only by the intermittent flash of lightning outside impossibly tall windows and the candelabrum in my hand, my gossamer nightgown fluttering around me like moths to the flame.
August 31, 2023 at 12:31 PM
I was not meant to work, I was meant to run through an aged, decaying mansion lit only by the intermittent flash of lightning outside impossibly tall windows and the candelabrum in my hand, my gossamer nightgown fluttering around me like moths to the flame.
Reposted by Fury Pesto
So festive, all the children fighting to lick the bowl when Grandma makes blood sausage.
December 20, 2024 at 6:38 PM
So festive, all the children fighting to lick the bowl when Grandma makes blood sausage.
I thought this was Doc Ock
December 13, 2024 at 9:00 PM
I thought this was Doc Ock
Reposted by Fury Pesto
gentle reminder that when you make jokes about the united health insurance ceo getting killed, your friends who are health insurance ceos will see them. but the united health insurance ceo won’t see them. because he’s dead
December 4, 2024 at 4:32 PM
gentle reminder that when you make jokes about the united health insurance ceo getting killed, your friends who are health insurance ceos will see them. but the united health insurance ceo won’t see them. because he’s dead
Reposted by Fury Pesto
When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.
November 26, 2024 at 1:41 AM
When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.
I asked my coworker what she does with all the free time she saves by spelling Rebeca with only 1 C and she showed me a sweater she knit me
November 19, 2024 at 10:41 PM
I asked my coworker what she does with all the free time she saves by spelling Rebeca with only 1 C and she showed me a sweater she knit me
*passes note to girl*
Do you like me?
*Girl passes note back*
Yes
*passes note back to girl*
Oh yeah? Then name five of my albums
Do you like me?
*Girl passes note back*
Yes
*passes note back to girl*
Oh yeah? Then name five of my albums
November 19, 2024 at 10:04 PM
*passes note to girl*
Do you like me?
*Girl passes note back*
Yes
*passes note back to girl*
Oh yeah? Then name five of my albums
Do you like me?
*Girl passes note back*
Yes
*passes note back to girl*
Oh yeah? Then name five of my albums
*checking pulse* yep still dumb
November 19, 2024 at 9:21 PM
*checking pulse* yep still dumb
"Just saw a chameleon must not have been a very good one haha"
CHAMELEON WALKING BY IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT: Get lost pal I'm on vacation.
CHAMELEON WALKING BY IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT: Get lost pal I'm on vacation.
November 18, 2024 at 5:43 PM
"Just saw a chameleon must not have been a very good one haha"
CHAMELEON WALKING BY IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT: Get lost pal I'm on vacation.
CHAMELEON WALKING BY IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT: Get lost pal I'm on vacation.