Supporting my computer expert friend by saying “you always click on the right things”

As a kid I wanted to write to Weird Al to tell him to replace MJ’s “somebody’s watching me” with “washing beets” but even as a kid I recognized that line was swinging too hard.

If you’re skinny enough and spend enough time in the back hallways of your local mall, the lady who works at Sizzling Wok will take pity on you and give you free Wontons.

The old advice was to wear a hard hat and carry a clipboard, but nowadays if you dress like you play magic the gathering people will think you’re with IT and let you into anything.

“You better watch out”

I’m on it

“You better not cry”

Alright now hold on a minute

to the horny clown with the HONK HONK knuckle tats please stop grabbing my wife's giant breasts

Bringing up how good I am at using a keyboard on the first date just in case they’re on the fence about a second date. Would suck to go down with bullets still in the chamber.

[entering a Five Guys]
what the heck there's like six-
*sees another guy*
-THERE'S LIKE SEVEN GUYS WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

Gasses: Sup bitches

Noble Gasses: Good evening m'ladies

I just think! if you follow a high priest into the depths of the cathedral-esque caverns beneath his temple, beyond the great ruined statues from ages past, and together you find, under layers of dust & ash, a carved stone bearing a terrible prophesy? You & the priest should be allowed one (1) kiss