Oh wow a “bird flu” no shit that is literally what they do.

The collective noun for a group of clowns is an ‘ohfuckingfuck’.

instead of asking “how are you,” we should start conversations with “so what’s been haunting you this week”

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I'm gonna put no

Me: ok

[Me as a boxing commentator]

Oh no they're hitting each other again, this is just like last time.

On a scale of 1 to 10 for hotness, I would rate myself a good listener

You can tell that the opossum in our garden is on his way to work by how fast he’s scurrying. Also by his tie and briefcase

The first rule of might club is no yeah that sounds fun I’ll totally let you know