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Lord Rat Squirt

@lordratsquirt.bsky.social

1.7K followers 1.7K following 1.5K posts

Screenwriter/co-creator/showrunner for the upcoming TLC series What the F*** is this S***? and Lifetime Network's Pet Waste Makeover. 🇺🇦

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 39m

I don’t have a pot to piss in or a blender to puree my feces with.

Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 1d

I’ll successfully monetize this sack of belly button lint if it’s the last thing I ever do.

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 2d

Every journey begins with a single step. And ends with one too. So how do you know you’re not done already? Forget it.

Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 2d

My fake Twitter accounts turn 13 tomorrow. Time to plan their bot mitzvah.

Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 2d

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog in Bentley pulls up beside pigeon in Rolls, "Pardon me, would you have any gray poop on you?"

Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 2d

Having herpes is like being an eagle...I gotta soar.

Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 3d

It’s 5 o’clock somewhere, so pour me a drink...but it’s morning in another time zone, so rim the glass with Corn Flakes.

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Brian Arnold @brianarnold.bsky.social · 4d

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Return of the Cmonstermacques @cmonmaque.bsky.social · 4d

I loved how in the 90’s you had a bunch of Shakespearean tales told in teen movies like how “the taming of the shrew” became “10 things I hate about you” or “Henry IV” became “my own private Idaho” or how “much ado about nothing” became “terminator 2: judgement day”

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Ygrene @ygrene.bsky.social · 9d

remember, 4-5 fun size candy bar wrappers in the garbage can can easily be covered by a crumpled paper towel

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 4d

The candle that burns twice as bright usually means there’s a ruptured oxygen line somewhere.

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 6d

In my youth, I was a draft dodger. Mostly because my opinions made people throw lagers at me.

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 7d

A vampire can’t come inside your butt unless you ask them to.

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Los 🥑 @los-los.bsky.social · 7d

If cats don’t want to be held like babies then why baby sized

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 8d

Everyone laughs when I say I’ve got fur babies. They stop when I explain it’s hypertrichosis.

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 8d

I'm sorry that I'm so ham-fisted…please forgive me, Miss Piggy.

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𝗱𝗿𝗼𝗷𝗼🪾🍂 @apexamigo.bsky.social · 9d

youre touching grass? well im
touching ass! heh heh (wiping)

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 9d

It could be worse: we could have an R.F.K. Rowling.

Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 9d

Isn't it strange how when dogs and cats sit around, they don't make a mark, but when you or I sit around nude, we leave massive, disgusting skid marks?

Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 9d

I'm not worried about AGI. I'm not worried about ASI. But I am worried about ASDI: Artificial Super Duper Intelligence.

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 10d

And God said unto Abraham, “Go full Gallagher on thy son; smite him like a watermelon.”

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 11d

Why are penises all different lengths? So nature can measure out your daily onion ring allowance. One shaft, one serving size.

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 12d

A stranger is just a friend whose windowless van you haven't gotten into yet.

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 14d

They say, “There’s no crying in baseball,” but that’s because they’ve never fielded a ground ball with their crotch.

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The Author, Séamas O'Reilly @seamas.bsky.social · 14d

These very true words from Steve Hely have given me tremendous comfort over the years.

Writing a novel— actually picking the words and filling in paragraphs— is a tremendous pain in the ass. Now that TV’s so good and the Internet is an endless forest of distraction, it’s damn near impossible. That should be taken into account when ranking the all-time greats. Somebody like Charles Dickens, for example, who had nothing better to do except eat mutton and attend public hangings, should get very little credit.

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