Boston Market recently changed their name to Boston MARKET, a move that increased their market capitalization by 500%

i may be smokin'
but i'm all stems

the devil went down to Munich
he was looking for a glockenspiel

A weird thing about being online is you’ll get a notification that someone named “feral weirdo” follows you and you’ll go ah good a normal person, and then you’ll get a notification that someone named “Professor Thomas Smith” follows you and you’ll think oh no a weirdo

When I was a kid my go-to sandwich was peanut butter and jelly, now as an adult I prefer to stare at a wall in my kitchen because I'm incapable of making a decision.

yule log? yeah, yule log off after reading the rest of my posts

[talking to a date]

I prefer to take things slowly

[talking to a new friend]

Let’s go off the grid and start a raccoon colony in the mountains

I will never haunt a man after I die because there's no way I'm continuing to do excessive unpaid emotional labor in the afterlife

Dealing with conservative family members at Thanksgiving dinner is easy. Just remind them they ate your cranberry sauce, and make it clear that you're the only one who knows where the antidote is.