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Juan Thicc

@gabemathewsband.bsky.social

1.6K followers 640 following 970 posts

The Earth rotates every 24 hours, but I only rotate off the couch when absolutely necessary.

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Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · Dec 20

I remember when toilet paper and eggs were in such abundance that we threw them at peoples houses for fun.

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Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 1d

Doesn’t anyone else think Donnie Wahlberg looks like Mark Wahlberg after several rounds of chemo?

Reposted by Juan Thicc

Dak @dak.myatproto.social · 1d

I’ve finally accepted that my only true hobby is staring blankly at the ceiling and contemplating the crushing weight of minor personal errands.

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Reposted by Juan Thicc

Daisy @daisy91.bsky.social · 1d

For my midlife crisis I’m either going to learn to play the drums or have a threesome. Maybe both.

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Reposted by Juan Thicc

ficklenuts has a pair of normal entiddies 👻 @ficklenuts.bsky.social · 1d

It’s not a free country until I can order hookers & blow on DoorDash

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Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 1d

Thought I saw an alien this morning, but it was just a guy running in the dark with a headlamp strapped to his head. I waved at him with my donut.

Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 1d

14.3% of statistics are made up.

Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 2d

queue up “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” as you walk out

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Reposted by Juan Thicc

Jake_Vig @jakevig.bsky.social · 2d

Knowing when to stop is the least used talent.

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Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 2d

Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.

Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 2d

Apple Intelligence autocorrected "three" to "Tyrese". As in,
"Easy as one, two, Tyrese."

Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 2d

Crossfit is just Scientology as a gym.

Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 2d

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 3d

According to a study done by Columbia University, Crocs are shoes for people who've given up.

Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 3d

I believe I just encountered a fellow who bought a car with a sun roof for the sole purpose of flipping people off through it.

Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 3d

According to this Mac and cheese box I am a family of four.

Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 3d

I’ve reached the age where all my toiletries have the word
"healing" in them.

Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 3d

Oh you're not a werewolf?
Then you wouldn't mind drinking this Coors Light?!!

Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 3d

Shout out to Opinions for staying at a cheap “2¢” all this time.

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Reposted by Juan Thicc

Forrest Plump @nahyoudoit.bsky.social · 3d

Just remember, you’re only one or two life decisions away from shopping for camper toilets on Amazon

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Reposted by Juan Thicc

BrujoLoco☠️🖤🏺 @patnspankme.bsky.social · 3d

whenever in doubt, always hip thrust

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Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 4d

I wish everything in life was as low maintenance as this 3 in 1 bottle of shampoo/conditioner/body wash I just bought.

Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 4d

Allergies are God's way of saying "don't get too comfortable.”

Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 4d

I forgot the word kitchen and called it the dishes room.
I’m adorable.

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Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 4d

This year for Halloween, I’m handing out warm Coke zeros.

Juan Thicc @gabemathewsband.bsky.social · 5d

She lives Rent Controlled in my head.

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