ficklenuts
Pinned
I don’t flirt, I just say stupid shit until someone gets a boner about it
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*gently pulling the gardener away from the haunted corn maze* please, you're hoeing the scares
January 19, 2026 at 4:25 AM
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I think maybe a lot of bad things could be avoided if the worlds most obvious crooks faced some sort of punishment other than “accumulating great sums of money and power”
January 19, 2026 at 6:28 AM
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Abolish ICE and prosecute its leadership.
This is the sixth death in ICE custody in 18 days. This isn’t enforcement, it’s a system that cages people, outsources care, and shrugs when they die. Abolish ICE.
January 19, 2026 at 12:24 AM
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As a species, have we considered going back to the sea
January 19, 2026 at 5:36 AM
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your jorts would look better on my floor
January 19, 2026 at 10:31 AM
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The absolute accuracy of this.
January 18, 2026 at 10:23 PM
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knowledge might be power, but it sure as fuck isn't joy.
January 19, 2026 at 11:55 AM
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oh it's going to be a Recession recession
January 18, 2026 at 10:56 PM
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nobel side piece prize when
January 19, 2026 at 9:00 AM
You can buy a slingshot if you want, no one will stop you
January 19, 2026 at 7:47 PM
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him: so what are you into? what are your hobbies?

me: I stood over my sink and ate 3 pickles back to back at midnight
January 19, 2026 at 6:23 PM
Sorry I've been so quiet, I keep forgetting that I'm supposed to interact with people
January 19, 2026 at 7:12 PM
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My short-term memory is embarrassingly bad
January 19, 2026 at 4:17 PM
"You are what you eat"

*looks in mirror*

*looks at box of cake rolls*

*looks back at mirror*

✅caked up
✅has rolls
January 19, 2026 at 7:04 PM
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Men who defend Jonathan Ross for murdering Renee Good are not safe to be around. End those relationships.
January 19, 2026 at 3:10 PM
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Size only matter in horseshoes and hand grenades
January 19, 2026 at 6:38 PM
At this rate, I'm pretty sure my best shot at losing 50+ pounds involves traveling to London and making questionable financial choices
January 19, 2026 at 6:45 PM
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how does one go about finding a mad scientist to— and i’m just spitballing here— attach a jet pack to my ass and give me laser beam eyes?
January 17, 2026 at 4:12 PM
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Doing stuff is lava
January 16, 2026 at 11:47 PM
Doing stuff is lava
January 16, 2026 at 11:47 PM
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Shitposting from the U.S. feels like doing a stand-up comedy routine on a sinking ship
January 15, 2026 at 6:51 PM
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I don't like the person you become when I play my banjolele.
February 10, 2025 at 4:15 PM
Shitposting from the U.S. feels like doing a stand-up comedy routine on a sinking ship
January 15, 2026 at 6:51 PM
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Sometimes I don't think I have what it takes to be a member of the X-Men.

But then a skin tag grows back overnight.
January 11, 2026 at 11:24 PM
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January 11, 2026 at 8:50 PM