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Lord Rat Squirt

@lordratsquirt.bsky.social

1.7K followers 1.7K following 1.5K posts

Screenwriter/co-creator/showrunner for the upcoming TLC series What the F*** is this S***? and Lifetime Network's Pet Waste Makeover. 🇺🇦

Posts Media Videos Starter Packs

Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 10m

Honestly, dumpster butt plugs outperform new butt plugs. Pre-broken in, ripe, and ready to provide anal pleasure.

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Reposted by Lord Rat Squirt

orcus @goblin.news · 1d

this planet was made for different types of ichthyosaurs to chomp each others heads and terrorize ammonites and every day we don’t restore the natural order is an offense to the sea!!!

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Wilde Thingy @wildethingy.bsky.social · 7h

This brave new world is getting old.

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 4h

Where farts are concerned, beefin' ain't queefing.

Reposted by Lord Rat Squirt

Lee Harveryscary @valleyguitarist.bsky.social · 7h

People say snake oil salesperson derogatorily but it's actually a really difficult job, because so few people have snakes that require lubricaction

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 1d

When a kid naps, it’s “cute.” When I kidnap, it’s “call the police.” Double standards everywhere.

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 2d

I don’t have a pot to piss in or a blender to puree my feces with.

Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 3d

I’ll successfully monetize this sack of belly button lint if it’s the last thing I ever do.

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 4d

Every journey begins with a single step. And ends with one too. So how do you know you’re not done already? Forget it.

Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 4d

My fake Twitter accounts turn 13 tomorrow. Time to plan their bot mitzvah.

Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 4d

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog in Bentley pulls up beside pigeon in Rolls, "Pardon me, would you have any gray poop on you?"

Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 5d

Having herpes is like being an eagle...I gotta soar.

Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 6d

It’s 5 o’clock somewhere, so pour me a drink...but it’s morning in another time zone, so rim the glass with Corn Flakes.

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Brian Arnold @brianarnold.bsky.social · 6d

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Return of the Cmonstermacques @cmonmaque.bsky.social · 6d

I loved how in the 90’s you had a bunch of Shakespearean tales told in teen movies like how “the taming of the shrew” became “10 things I hate about you” or “Henry IV” became “my own private Idaho” or how “much ado about nothing” became “terminator 2: judgement day”

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Ygrene @ygrene.bsky.social · 11d

remember, 4-5 fun size candy bar wrappers in the garbage can can easily be covered by a crumpled paper towel

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 7d

The candle that burns twice as bright usually means there’s a ruptured oxygen line somewhere.

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 8d

In my youth, I was a draft dodger. Mostly because my opinions made people throw lagers at me.

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 9d

A vampire can’t come inside your butt unless you ask them to.

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Los 🥑 @los-los.bsky.social · 9d

If cats don’t want to be held like babies then why baby sized

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 10d

Everyone laughs when I say I’ve got fur babies. They stop when I explain it’s hypertrichosis.

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 11d

I'm sorry that I'm so ham-fisted…please forgive me, Miss Piggy.

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𝗱𝗿𝗼𝗷𝗼🪾🍂 @apexamigo.bsky.social · 11d

youre touching grass? well im
touching ass! heh heh (wiping)

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Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 11d

It could be worse: we could have an R.F.K. Rowling.

Lord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 11d

Isn't it strange how when dogs and cats sit around, they don't make a mark, but when you or I sit around nude, we leave massive, disgusting skid marks?