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The Onion
@theonion.com
· 9h
Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts
WASHINGTON—Busy dealing with important paperwork and other vice presidential duties in recent weeks, Dick Cheney was forced to put off until the last minute a cherished annual tradition: gift-shopping...
theonion.com
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The Onion
@theonion.com
· 9h
New Cheney Memoir Reveals He's Going To Live Full, Satisfied Life Without Ever Feeling Remorse And There's Nothing We Can Do About It
NEW YORK—The publication this week of Dick Cheney’s memoir, In My Time, has revealed the former vice president enjoys a fulfilling life unaffected by any sense of guilt or regret and there’s absolutel...
theonion.com
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The Onion
@theonion.com
· 9h
Doctors Reveal Dick Cheney Burning Through At Least 3 Hearts Each Week
JACKSON HOLE, WY—A team of doctors responsible for the care of Dick Cheney revealed Thursday that for the past few years, the former vice president has burned through a minimum of three hearts every w...
theonion.com
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The Onion
@theonion.com
· 9h
Dick Cheney Vice Presidential Library Opens In Pitch-Dark, Sulfurous Underground Cave
SUMNER, NE—The Richard B. Cheney Vice Presidential Library and Museum officially opened to the public on Wednesday, housing a variety of exhibits honoring the legacy of the former vice president on di...
theonion.com
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The Onion
@theonion.com
· 9h
‘Someone’s Gotta Occupy Afghanistan,’ Grumbles Dick Cheney, Shoving Firearms Into Suitcase
WILSON, WY—Following news that the military withdrawal had ramped up after U.S. troops pulled out of Bagram Airfield, former Vice President Dick Cheney was overheard Friday muttering “Someone’s gotta ...
theonion.com
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The Onion
@theonion.com
· 9h
‘Let’s Take It To Our Afghanistan Experts,’ Says Anchor Throwing To Panel Of Dick Cheneys
NEW YORK—In an effort to provide more in-depth analysis of the ongoing situation in Kabul, CNN anchor Don Lemon reportedly announced Monday that he was going to “take it to our Afghanistan experts” be...
theonion.com
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