Elbridge Colby, UnderSecWar / Yale JD (satire)
@bridgecolbysatire.bsky.social
I'm the Pentagon's head policy guru (chief “undersecretary”) as well as the world’s most brilliant military strategist, cheese aficionado, and debonaire bon vivant. Like a finely aged Gruyère, I'm complex, subtle, and totally awesome. (satire)
Pinned
SecDef of War Lethal Pete *does* love dancing and EDM!
“Hegseth ‘Super Bummed’ to Discover The Hague Not An Elite European Night Club.”
“Hegseth ‘Super Bummed’ to Discover The Hague Not An Elite European Night Club.”
Sigh, DOJ forgot to tell us they were just gonna redact all the Epstein files. Could have saved us a few bombs, Pamela Jo!
Breaking news: The U.S. military launched a series of strikes against dozens of sites in central Syria, in retaliation for killing two American soldiers and an interpreter.
U.S. strikes dozens of sites in Syria in retaliation for troops’ deaths
The expansive operation follows the killing last weekend of two U.S. soldiers and their interpreter at a military base in the city of Palmyra.
www.washingtonpost.com
December 19, 2025 at 11:33 PM
Sigh, DOJ forgot to tell us they were just gonna redact all the Epstein files. Could have saved us a few bombs, Pamela Jo!
Woodward and Bernstein Pt II in da house!!!
The new Pentagon press corps is laser focused on serving the American people by working their sources to bring you the most impactful stories because, as Jefferson said, “a well-informed citizenry is the best defense against tyranny.”
December 4, 2025 at 7:25 PM
Woodward and Bernstein Pt II in da house!!!
The most alpha Christmas tree lighting EVER. This is the hard hitting journalism we were going for with our new pentagon press corp policy!
First big exclusive broken by the New Media at the Pentagon.
December 4, 2025 at 5:58 PM
The most alpha Christmas tree lighting EVER. This is the hard hitting journalism we were going for with our new pentagon press corp policy!
Don’t worry, we made it clear to Santa that he’ll be a viable target who could potentially be smuggling drugs if he delivers any presents in the Caribbean or to Somalis in Minnesota. And if survives a strike, we’ll hit him again so he doesn’t call any else’s or reindeer for backup.
Secretary Hegseth led the first ever Pentagon Christmas Tree Lighting.
This season, we honor the warriors who stand watch for all of us — the men and women fighting to keep peace on Earth.
This season, we honor the warriors who stand watch for all of us — the men and women fighting to keep peace on Earth.
December 4, 2025 at 4:56 PM
Don’t worry, we made it clear to Santa that he’ll be a viable target who could potentially be smuggling drugs if he delivers any presents in the Caribbean or to Somalis in Minnesota. And if survives a strike, we’ll hit him again so he doesn’t call any else’s or reindeer for backup.
SecDef of War Lethal Pete *does* love dancing and EDM!
“Hegseth ‘Super Bummed’ to Discover The Hague Not An Elite European Night Club.”
“Hegseth ‘Super Bummed’ to Discover The Hague Not An Elite European Night Club.”
December 2, 2025 at 6:19 PM
SecDef of War Lethal Pete *does* love dancing and EDM!
“Hegseth ‘Super Bummed’ to Discover The Hague Not An Elite European Night Club.”
“Hegseth ‘Super Bummed’ to Discover The Hague Not An Elite European Night Club.”
Let’s make one thing crystal clear: I too think Admiral Bradley is fantastic and takes all responsibility and definitely did not consult or look at the white paper I wrote about how shipwreck survivors might in fact be lawful targets.
Next thing you know, Hegseth will be blaming Admiral Bradley for Signalgate too. And “standing by him.”
December 2, 2025 at 3:05 AM
Let’s make one thing crystal clear: I too think Admiral Bradley is fantastic and takes all responsibility and definitely did not consult or look at the white paper I wrote about how shipwreck survivors might in fact be lawful targets.
Ezra knows what’s up!
Pete Hegseth is violating international law the right way.
by Ezra Klein
by Ezra Klein
December 1, 2025 at 7:00 PM
Ezra knows what’s up!
Touché, madam.
December 1, 2025 at 5:00 PM
Touché, madam.
Just who does this “God” person think he is questioning the SecDef of all War Lethal Pete?
Reposting this everyday until Pete Hagueseth faces justice for his crimes against humanity.
Thou Shalt Not Murder Fishermen While Pardoning Drug Lords
This is evil.
www.thegodpodcast.com
December 1, 2025 at 4:51 PM
Just who does this “God” person think he is questioning the SecDef of all War Lethal Pete?
Honestly is there anyone funnier on god’s green earth than our SecDef of War Pete Hegseth? Like, only a comic genius would think to combine Christmas, a beloved children’s book, and murder / war crimes into a single post. LMAO, amiright!!!
December 1, 2025 at 4:46 PM
Honestly is there anyone funnier on god’s green earth than our SecDef of War Pete Hegseth? Like, only a comic genius would think to combine Christmas, a beloved children’s book, and murder / war crimes into a single post. LMAO, amiright!!!
Oh, oh, I get to be Undersecretary of War Crimes! Totally killer title, in more ways than one…
November 30, 2025 at 12:36 AM
Oh, oh, I get to be Undersecretary of War Crimes! Totally killer title, in more ways than one…
It does have a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?
![>>SATIRICAL NEWS - Trump Administration Rebrands 'Department of War' as 'Innocents Drowning in Oceans of Blood' [pic of tanks on street] @funnysnarkyjoke.bsky.social](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:lxm3v43kiuo4gdun45a4zivh/bafkreibscxhn75oaa4mfrkamyk3picsixcqchbsq3k65gpufrrfs7kuapq@jpeg)
November 29, 2025 at 8:01 PM
It does have a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?
Sigh, the survivors experienced an unexplained rapid disassembly like an Elon Musk rocket. Who can really say who or what is to blame? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!
(Especially when I and other senior DoW leaders are in The Hague…)
(Especially when I and other senior DoW leaders are in The Hague…)
November 28, 2025 at 8:42 PM
Sigh, the survivors experienced an unexplained rapid disassembly like an Elon Musk rocket. Who can really say who or what is to blame? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!
(Especially when I and other senior DoW leaders are in The Hague…)
(Especially when I and other senior DoW leaders are in The Hague…)
SecWar Pete and the @deptofwar.bsky.social approve!
The move is the latest step by authorities to regulate alcohol as Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman pushes to open up the country to attract more tourists and highly skilled foreign workers. on.ft.com/4of0tMR
November 28, 2025 at 8:34 PM
SecWar Pete and the @deptofwar.bsky.social approve!
SecWar Pete is da bomb (literally and figuratively). Because flagrant war crimes are the ultimate alpha move! Right?
Right!?
(Note to self: delete war crimes emails to avoid Hague trial.)
www.the-independent.com/news/world/a...
Right!?
(Note to self: delete war crimes emails to avoid Hague trial.)
www.the-independent.com/news/world/a...
Pete Hegseth’s order to ‘kill everybody’ included alleged drug boat survivors: report
More than 80 people killed in campaign that law-of-war experts have labeled extrajudicial murder
www.the-independent.com
November 28, 2025 at 7:15 PM
SecWar Pete is da bomb (literally and figuratively). Because flagrant war crimes are the ultimate alpha move! Right?
Right!?
(Note to self: delete war crimes emails to avoid Hague trial.)
www.the-independent.com/news/world/a...
Right!?
(Note to self: delete war crimes emails to avoid Hague trial.)
www.the-independent.com/news/world/a...
He’s too busy getting swolt to go help represent Mother Russia. If @politico.com were legit, they’d at least include how many pull-ups and pushups he can do — 239 and 978, for the record. He also has his mile run time down to 3:36, which yes is a world record. But he’s too humble to say it himself!
Pete Hegseth is a no-show in Ukraine. That suits the White House just fine.
Pete Hegseth is a no-show in Ukraine. That suits the White House just fine.
The Defense secretary has carved out an unorthodox political niche that has helped insulate him from criticism inside the administration, at least for now.
dlvr.it
November 26, 2025 at 9:51 PM
He’s too busy getting swolt to go help represent Mother Russia. If @politico.com were legit, they’d at least include how many pull-ups and pushups he can do — 239 and 978, for the record. He also has his mile run time down to 3:36, which yes is a world record. But he’s too humble to say it himself!
I don’t know who this beardo is, but let’s be real Little Bunny Foo-Foo embodies SecWar Pete’s Warrior Ethos. The main reason we’re cutting off the Boy Scouts is that they no longer encourage Scouts to bop field mice on the head. And we all know why: DEI!
The character of Little Bunny Foo-Foo, when examined, is really dark & disturbing. Imagine the logistical reality of just RUNNING through a forest, randomly scooping up field mice only to bop them on the head and toss them aside. Insane behavior. Bunnies are herbivores; this is just wanton cruelty.
November 26, 2025 at 5:13 PM
I don’t know who this beardo is, but let’s be real Little Bunny Foo-Foo embodies SecWar Pete’s Warrior Ethos. The main reason we’re cutting off the Boy Scouts is that they no longer encourage Scouts to bop field mice on the head. And we all know why: DEI!
Yessir, SecWar Pete for the win! Once he recalls “Kelly” to active duty, he also plans to lick his face since that’s how he checks whether troops are properly shaved. No beardos!
November 25, 2025 at 3:52 PM
Yessir, SecWar Pete for the win! Once he recalls “Kelly” to active duty, he also plans to lick his face since that’s how he checks whether troops are properly shaved. No beardos!
We are absolutely not backtracking on this plan. I wrote the policy paper myself, and it’s currently on SecWar Pete’s desk right beside the printouts of his alpha workout routine.
Coast Guard Backtracks On Plan To Reclassify Swastikas As Mascot https://theonion.com/coast-guard-backtracks-on-plan-to-reclassify-swastikas-as-mascot/
November 24, 2025 at 8:13 PM
We are absolutely not backtracking on this plan. I wrote the policy paper myself, and it’s currently on SecWar Pete’s desk right beside the printouts of his alpha workout routine.
We’re actually investigating whether he’s ever eaten another human being (or part thereof). He claims it was of necessity, but that’s why we do investigations. We also may call back to duty and court martial Sen. Tammy Duckworth over an ugly rumor that she kicked a puppy in 2002.
November 24, 2025 at 7:29 PM
We’re actually investigating whether he’s ever eaten another human being (or part thereof). He claims it was of necessity, but that’s why we do investigations. We also may call back to duty and court martial Sen. Tammy Duckworth over an ugly rumor that she kicked a puppy in 2002.
Rough, can’t you at least call him “Alcoholic tv talk show chatterbox *with huge bulging biceps and beautiful alpha hair/skin* Pete Hegseth”? Credit where credit’s due and all…
This plaque is posted at West Point. Alcoholic TV talk show chatterbox Pete Hegseth wants to court-martial Arizona Senator Mark Kelly for repeating what is written on it.
November 24, 2025 at 6:33 PM
Rough, can’t you at least call him “Alcoholic tv talk show chatterbox *with huge bulging biceps and beautiful alpha hair/skin* Pete Hegseth”? Credit where credit’s due and all…
Everyone knows how hellah alpha I am, and how much I support SecWar Pete’s warrior ethos and badass workout routine. But zoinks, even I didn’t know the outer perimeters of alpha-dom…
Exclusive: The U.S. Coast Guard will no longer classify the swastika, nooses and the Confederate flag as hate symbols.
The military service drafted a new policy that classifies them as “potentially divisive.”
The military service drafted a new policy that classifies them as “potentially divisive.”
U.S. Coast Guard will no longer classify swastikas, nooses as hate symbols
The military service, which falls under the Department of Homeland Security, has drafted a new policy that classifies such items “potentially divisive.”
www.washingtonpost.com
November 20, 2025 at 7:56 PM
Everyone knows how hellah alpha I am, and how much I support SecWar Pete’s warrior ethos and badass workout routine. But zoinks, even I didn’t know the outer perimeters of alpha-dom…
Maybe Olivia would like to profile me? I have a JD from Yale and wrote the most important book ever written on foreign policy. I also know lots of great hiking spots on the Appalachian Trail…
November 18, 2025 at 2:27 AM
Maybe Olivia would like to profile me? I have a JD from Yale and wrote the most important book ever written on foreign policy. I also know lots of great hiking spots on the Appalachian Trail…
These are just titles from SecWar Pete’s movie collection, or that’s what he always tells us since he’s a self-proclaimed cinephile. Oh wait, now I get it. That’s an alpha move though right?
Malcolm Nance said these sound like the titles of porn movies.
November 16, 2025 at 2:47 AM
These are just titles from SecWar Pete’s movie collection, or that’s what he always tells us since he’s a self-proclaimed cinephile. Oh wait, now I get it. That’s an alpha move though right?
Not cool, @politico.com . Yall dump all little ol me but give Mikey N all this positive PR even though he doesn’t have a JD from Yale and didn’t write the most important book on foreign policy ever written like me. What’s a guy gotta do to get recognized for his unparalleled brilliance?
November 15, 2025 at 10:22 PM
Not cool, @politico.com . Yall dump all little ol me but give Mikey N all this positive PR even though he doesn’t have a JD from Yale and didn’t write the most important book on foreign policy ever written like me. What’s a guy gotta do to get recognized for his unparalleled brilliance?