I managed to remember to pack my new cream cheese for lunch today, but I definitely forgot to pack my bagel... classic.

When you're British and need to deliver the sickest burn possible

“Still punk as fuck,” I whisper after reminding myself to sit up after dinner so I don’t get “the ol’ h.b.”

Elon Musk: Why isn’t there enough water in California?

Grok (burning through an entire lake to generate an answer): Wokeness

Trying to imagine what it'd take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I'd probably still just be like "I'm sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else's bowl of rats."

bad news kids Santa used ai to plot his route this year and the sleigh took off 3 days early and crashed into the Alps almost immediately

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old-fashioned way (I am a goat that wants to cross over a bridge, he is a troll that asks me to answer his riddles three)

Cotton candy is deceptively poisonous when eaten in large enough quantities, or if it's actually fiberglass insulation

35 years ago today, 14 women went to bed thinking about their finals, future in STEM and the upcoming holiday season. They didn’t know that these dreams threatened a man’s sense of self worth and that they wouldn’t survive to see their goals and aspirations become a reality

Imagine it’s Friday morning. You’re retired, sleep in as late as you want. No responsibilities except scrolling the spam folder. Daughter finally stopped bothering you about watching the grandkids and retirement fund is up 3%. But the barista said “happy holidays” so you are incandescent with rage.

"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are"
Ok. BTW what's my last name?
"Scissorhands"

when I was a little girl, everybody said I couldn't be the pope. but here I am, wearing a dope as fuck hat judging the shit of everybody