i'm going back in time and making fun of print-makers for using f instead of s. they're so mad they burn an effigy of me. i retaliate by inventing the jerk off motion two centuries before people are ready for it, forever altering the timeline

i remember getting on a bus in SF and somebody said Reagan just died and i said ha ha good fucking riddance and a woman said well that's rude and i said fuck you lady and somebody else said yeah fuck you lady

Legendary hater Charles Darwin

I got that dog in me (I’m scared of the doorbell)

canceled when my google searches leak and the number one repeated query every day for the past eighteen months is “could queen’s gambit see the board better because her eyes were so far apart”

windows laptops rule. when i closed the lid and unplugged it from its power source, yes you guessed it right computer, i wanted you to blast the cpu and graphics card at 100% and drain the battery from 100 to 0 in 45 minutes

I know a museum hates to see my placard reading ass coming

New York Times should give me a job. I am also a moron what's the problem

Sometimes you just gotta spend weeks slogging through the prodigious output of a late 20th century Canadian novelist to track down that quote you vaguely remembered and man the payoff upon finding that you nailed it word for word is so satisfying.

one of the best categories of food is a marinated egg/egg chucked in a stew. ramen eggs... cholent eggs... thousand year eggs...... each so perfect and beautiful. little oval miracles

you feel like youve wasted your life so far and are apt to waste the rest of it? like there are fewer and fewer opportunities for you in this world? like love has slipped through your fingers again and again? like what meager charms you have are swiftly eroding? that sucks man. i cant relate at all

im high and i've been staring at this for like ten minutes