when you walk into a restaurant and you think, wow hey i know this song, sometimes it's because it's playing at full volume from your jacket pocket

The single most important qualification for fighting Trump’s agenda is having been a teenager during the doo-wop boom. Democratic leadership understands this

i'd hurt a fly. where's he at i'll hurt him right now

scully: it doesn’t make any sense mulder, out of nowhere he started showing empathy and a base level curiosity about the life experience of others

mulder [tossing a manila folder on the desk]: ever hear of the woke mind virus?

lance armstrong leaving divorce court on a unicycle

i am a grown adult i should not have to fake cough while opening a can of tuna fish so i can make a sandwich without hurting my cats’ feelings

Reminder: you don’t have to be good at something to enjoy it, you don’t have to get better at it, you don’t have to monetize it, and it doesn’t have to be useful.

So weird that hot dogs come in packages of 10 and my wife left me for a magician

You thought I was gonna talk normal? Well let me disabuse you of that notion.

[first cowboy ever] Haha yaaaaay!