Me: *removing my stormtrooper helmet* Divorce?

Just one time I want to hear someone say "He's the one" about me, and not finish it with "who was eating chili off the floor"

Pizza is thin enough to eat three slices at once but few are brave enough to join me in paradise.

MORTGAGE BROKER: to start, what's your net worth?

ME: I guess around $30

MORTGAGE BROKER: that's it?

ME: yes but I use it to catch butterflies so it's not for sale

(starting a constructive dialogue) Listen dumbass,

I just found out that the cheese my wife has been feeding me every morning has Centrum Silver multivitamins hidden inside

Arby’s should make a caffeinated roast beef sandwich

“you’re so quiet” shut up im trying to count the bugs in my pocket

"Honey, the strike is over, time for me to go back to work." We embrace. I close my office door, carefully remove the cover from my typewriter and insert a sheet of paper. I crack my knuckles, type HOSPICE SHELDON and stare at the wall for 9 hours.

Editor: You get those photos of Elliott Gould and Grover?
Photographer: Sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked.
Editor: what

Just got your text from last night. Do you still need your Epipen

What light through yonder window breaks? It is the boys, and they are back in town

me: what’s crazy is that rudy giuliani first rose to fame because of 9/11

teen born in 2006: ohh. like he helped do it

me: ok no, but i see how you got there

sorry guys the heist is cancelled turns out the treasure was just the crack team we recruited along the way

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully