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Schmrrrrrrrlex

@schmrrrlex.bsky.social

2.9K followers 230 following 400 posts

mouldering lump of organic matter trapped in a series of social media accounts with diminishing returns

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Schmrrrrrrrlex @schmrrrlex.bsky.social · Dec 28

schrödinger:

cat with a gun: I said get in the box

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Schmrrrrrrrlex @schmrrrlex.bsky.social · 4h

enfin, ce putain de chouette est mort

Schmrrrrrrrlex @schmrrrlex.bsky.social · 4h

c'mon son, you've been in there for 45 minutes. there are other people in this house who need to use the shower to hide from a nightmarish reality I can no longer accept

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Schmrrrrrrrlex @schmrrrlex.bsky.social · 1d

Our version was similar, except no pickles and hellmann’s instead of miracle whip

Schmrrrrrrrlex @schmrrrlex.bsky.social · 3d

This is what they want to take from us

Schmrrrrrrrlex @schmrrrlex.bsky.social · 4d

Jerry Garcia: 🎶 got a wife in Chino babe and one in Cherokee. first one says she got my child, but it don't look like me 🎶

My Wife: see? it's not that strange. sometimes kids just look like that minor league baseball player I used to date for no reason

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Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex

RM @dorsalstream.bsky.social · Apr 15

The skeleton weeps as the guilty verdict is read out. "Now as to your sentence," the judge says, as heavy flesh begins to envelop the condemned.

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Schmrrrrrrrlex @schmrrrlex.bsky.social · 7d

I like this ghost. He reminds me of how all of human experience is deeply unsatisfying

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mr potato @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 12d

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

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Schmrrrrrrrlex @schmrrrlex.bsky.social · 14d

The MAGA movement is not itself a Nazi movement, other than its Nick Fuentes wing and the neo-Nazis who choose to support it. But it is very clearly a fascist movement in any reasonable sense of the word.

Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex

furby hancock @furbyhancock.bsky.social · 16d

Too late, Batman. Once this Tylenol floods the city's water supply, my wiki won't run out of editors ever again

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Schmrrrrrrrlex @schmrrrlex.bsky.social · 16d

every ancient aliens host:

the giant stones at Aramacaradingdong raise profound questions. are they the product of an advanced technology? or perhaps even visitors from beyond the stars? how could ancient humans, who were fucking morons pissing and shitting all over themselves, ever make big rock?

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Schmrrrrrrrlex @schmrrrlex.bsky.social · 24d

somehow when Kilmeade says "kill the homeless" on national television there are no consequences, yet when I say that if Brian really wants to apologize he should lethally inject himself I get my twitter account suspended

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Schmrrrrrrrlex @schmrrrlex.bsky.social · 25d

like soaring down through skin and rippling into blue in green. dry wings in white sun and that night there were squirrels in the rafters, the voice of their feet in leaves . I’ve fallen behind the sky-ward slope of her, reversing destiny

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The Ass is the father of the legs @internethippo.bsky.social · 26d

What's your secret to being online all the time without contracting computer madness? For me it's being pure of heart

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Schmrrrrrrrlex @schmrrrlex.bsky.social · 26d

if the Tin Man hadn't shown up with a whole crew the Wizard would have yanked the gears out of his head and worn his body like a suit of armor

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Tusk Jenkins @tuskjenkins.bsky.social · Sep 6

When you're floating up in an abduction ray it's like you have all the time in your world to wonder "is this a notification"

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Schmrrrrrrrlex @schmrrrlex.bsky.social · Sep 7

telling Ronald McDonald "leave the gloves on" as I close the restroom door behind us

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Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex

brent @murrman5.bsky.social · Sep 7

you're drinking too much milk
"I doubt that"
[doctor pointing at xray] this area here is all milk

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Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex

Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social · Sep 6

Me: Can I have one of those blue milkshakes that symbolizes Grimace’s blood?

McDonalds Cashier: (offended) We believe every beverage symbolizes Grimace’s blood

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Schmrrrrrrrlex @schmrrrlex.bsky.social · Sep 4

*tenderly gripping Ronald McDonald’s hand as we enter the restroom together*

Schmrrrrrrrlex @schmrrrlex.bsky.social · Sep 3

scientist: this test will determine whether a person is a psychopath

*hands me a plain rice cake*

me: *eats the entire cake. achingly slow. no expression*

scientist: total psycho

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Schmrrrrrrrlex @schmrrrlex.bsky.social · Aug 31

never forget what they took from us

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Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex

Ygrene @ygrene.bsky.social · Aug 30

[being murdered]

murderer: (murdering) what are you doing on your phone

me: (putting away phone) my bad what's up what's going on

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Frovo @frovo.bsky.social · Aug 29

WIFE: what is another word for literal

ME: no it isn't

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Schmrrrrrrrlex @schmrrrlex.bsky.social · Aug 28

the literal meaning of "marinara" in Italian is "sailor style." and you were eating a bowl of spaghetti. so that's why I yelled out "damn girl, you suckin that down sailor style"

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