Generals I have gathered you here today to make sure the military isn't doing anything gay or black

genuinely crying at this one

Keep picturing Patel dropping the casings in terror after reading “if you read this youre gay”

labubus are real. they're harvested from a small island off the coast of madagascar. while primitive, they have a rich and vibrant culture and a relatively high standard of living. it's my job to skin and stuff them

May I die in a way where people don't post a million headlines of dumb evil shit I said that's eerily prescient of my death

curb episode where larry gets dragged to a birthday party for a guy he doesn't know and decides to write something funny in the guestbook. cut to present day, larry's at home watching the evening news: "comedian larry david wrote 'happy birthday, i know your little secret' in jeffrey epstein's book"

You know what the best part of my day is? It's for about 10 seconds from when I wake up and go to check my phone. Because I think maybe I'll get up there and I'll unlock my phone and Spurs will have signed a good player.

"You're in a leftwing echo chamber" Man, I live in America. No I'm not.

Probably just a coincidence that this story breaks the same day they’re trying to axe the attorney general.

The thing about PBS is that LeVar Burton was to me what MrBeast is to kids today.

Yeah that got me 😢🤍

Never stop hating. Never give in. You are just a few hours of finally succeeding with your singularly obsessive burning hate.

Maybe Something Beautiful Will Happen Today.

thinking about the dems who said we can't abolish ICE as the Department of Education gets wiped off the map

I always say I love my country the way Anthony Bourdain did, not as a benevolent state or one founded in innocence but as vast, beautiful place full of discrete people and cultures such as has rarely been attempted and worth fighting for.

Imagine if the Democratic Party actually helped Zohran instead of trying to kneecap him at every step. A better party is immediately possible if they stop shoving money into the anti-trans combination Racism Dial/Money Toilet and instead get behind candidates people actually want.

Notice how Super Mario and all his supposed “enemies” are happy to get together and go go-kart racing? Wake up. It’s all kayfabe

Son: "Let’s say I am a legend, why not. Only today. In 17 years no one has done it, today is the day, today I will say I am a legend of the club, lets enjoy it. It feels amazing, it is what I always dreamed for, it came true, I am the happiest man in the world."

Please find something new soon so you can remain on the list of respectable writers to impersonate.

Go dodgers baby love da dodgers

Imagine basing so much of your public identity on your adult conversion to Catholicism, only to be publicly dismissed by the actual Catholic hierarchy.