who did this

I'm happy to see your mom got that job she applied for.

Just once I’d like accountability to hold me…

If you see a koala fall out of a tree in their exhibit, please alert a zookeeper immediately. We like to laugh at their failures.

I once made a man peel an onion
just to watch him cry.

My cat be like, “have you ever wondered what it would be like if the most emotionally needy person you knew had knives for hands?”

MOM: ugh your bedroom is disgusting! how do you live like this were you born in a barn?

TEEN JESUS: *scrolling thru phone* yes actually

sure, everybody hates snake oil — until their snake starts squeaking

I suggested to my wife that it seemed pointless to continually fill the bird feeder, as the squirrels always empty it in hours. Behind me, my son said, “It’s in your interest for the squirrels to be on your side when the Great War begins,” and ate another spoonful of Froot Loops.

[Sees my girlfriend from 3rd grade and she's wearing a wedding ring] Wow you didn't waste any time did you Becky

Imagine an issue. Wrong, it's more complicated than that

well there goes my saturday night

you’d be smiling too if you were immortal

me: hey, can we pick up my mom on the way to church?

uber driver: sure

me: cool, I’ll cancel the hearse

cute girl: what is your name
me: no it isn’t