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Billhelm

@kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social

2.3K followers 760 following 980 posts

Platinum 🏳️‍🌈. 👬. 🐈dad. St-stutterer. I once had a bee stuck in my ear. Newest: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:ibib6zmsccimdaxgb2vxefjw/feed/aaaiic6oiigjs Tops: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:ibib6zmsccimdaxgb2vxefjw/feed/aaaiigc5sscqw

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Billhelm @kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social · Nov 25

The fact that Mother Nature made a fruit shaped like a dick is bananas

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Corduroy Cheddar @corduroycheddar.bsky.social · 13h

I once accidentally shoplifted a pencil so you could definitely say I'm a bad guy addicted to danger

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Corduroy Cheddar @corduroycheddar.bsky.social · 14h

A fatal flaw in the script of The Terminator is that a true terminator would have terminated the contract for the assignment immediately

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Billhelm @kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social · 16h

The only time I tried shoplifting I dropped it and now my foot is cartoonishly flat

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Wristy @wristroom.bsky.social · 20h

many adolescents go through a phase of shoplifting. Fortunately, adolescents tend to be quite weak and shops tend to be really heavy

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𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜 @unfitz.bsky.social · Nov 30

Is that a banana in your pocket or have you finally quit shoplifting from the produce section?

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Billhelm @kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social · 1d

You know, for being named after something extra virgin, Olive Oyl was trying *real* hard to get into Popeye’s pants

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Corduroy Cheddar @corduroycheddar.bsky.social · 1d

Mature olive oils in your neighborhood looking for a hot salad

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🅱️oofessor Killosk 🔪👻 @professorkiosk.wtf · 1d

buy one get one free coffins call that a dead giveaway

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Scare Blair @blairloudly.bsky.social · 1d

how many apps do i have to flip through to see god

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lisabug @lisabug.bsky.social · 1d

"Extra virgin," the bottle says.

Allegedly!

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Wristy @wristroom.bsky.social · 1d

"Take the nastiest fruit you can find, squeeze it and bring me the scum off the top of the juice"

-Inventor of olive oil

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lisabug @lisabug.bsky.social · 1d

First day as a babysitter
*checks scribbled notes*

Pit her or pat her.

“Do I... remove the pit? Or gently pat her like a peach?”

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Los 🥑 @los-los.bsky.social · 1d

PITTER PATTER, I promised her

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Wristy @wristroom.bsky.social · 1d

Ahh the pitter-patter of tiny feet

- pulls another leg off a millipede

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Los 🥑 @los-los.bsky.social · 1d

[making another hole in my belt]

You are beautiful, no matter what they saaay

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Barba Papa 🏳️‍🌈The Bear Did Lady @thebeardidlady.bsky.social · 1d

If you can smell red wine after orgasm you are having a post-nut claretty moment.

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𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜 @unfitz.bsky.social · 2d

I haven’t been the same since I walked in on my parents having sex.

Mom thought it was pretty amazing that I could walk while having sex, though.

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Wristy @wristroom.bsky.social · 2d

I realised that every version of me think it's the final draft. I haven't been the same since

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lisabug @lisabug.bsky.social · 2d

There once was a little old lady in a shoe,
Rent-controlled, with a Bay view.
Now it’s worth $3.8 million, and an AI startup offered to live in the crawlspace.