@lonevaper.bsky.social
Reposted
"Look, all we have to do is walk into a bar and the joke will write itself, trust me."
January 20, 2025 at 6:23 PM
"Look, all we have to do is walk into a bar and the joke will write itself, trust me."
Reposted
I may be getting old but at least I'm still in full command of all my facul things.
January 16, 2025 at 11:20 PM
I may be getting old but at least I'm still in full command of all my facul things.
Reposted
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
January 7, 2025 at 9:08 PM
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Reposted
Took a risk taking off a sweater on a zoom call and accidentally removed my whole exoskeleton
January 10, 2025 at 1:56 PM
Took a risk taking off a sweater on a zoom call and accidentally removed my whole exoskeleton
Reposted
ME: Yeah, I want a Big Mac.
HER: Sir, this is Taco Bell.
ME: Oh, sorry. Yo quiero Grande Mac.
HER: Sir, this is Taco Bell.
ME: Oh, sorry. Yo quiero Grande Mac.
January 12, 2025 at 8:34 PM
ME: Yeah, I want a Big Mac.
HER: Sir, this is Taco Bell.
ME: Oh, sorry. Yo quiero Grande Mac.
HER: Sir, this is Taco Bell.
ME: Oh, sorry. Yo quiero Grande Mac.
Reposted
INVENTOR OF CORDUROY: what if you could wear potato chips
January 15, 2025 at 12:10 AM
INVENTOR OF CORDUROY: what if you could wear potato chips
Reposted
A cat with fur and eyes that are split into two distinct colors.
January 6, 2025 at 5:32 PM
A cat with fur and eyes that are split into two distinct colors.
Reposted
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
January 2, 2025 at 7:41 PM
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Reposted
"Hey Charlie, come here."
"I'm here, is the coast clear?"
"I think so, call Pete."
"Pete, come here."
"I'm here, is the coast clear?"
"We think so, call Frank."
"Frank, come here."
"I'm here, is the coast clear?"
"I'm here, is the coast clear?"
"I think so, call Pete."
"Pete, come here."
"I'm here, is the coast clear?"
"We think so, call Frank."
"Frank, come here."
"I'm here, is the coast clear?"
January 1, 2025 at 11:34 PM
"Hey Charlie, come here."
"I'm here, is the coast clear?"
"I think so, call Pete."
"Pete, come here."
"I'm here, is the coast clear?"
"We think so, call Frank."
"Frank, come here."
"I'm here, is the coast clear?"
"I'm here, is the coast clear?"
"I think so, call Pete."
"Pete, come here."
"I'm here, is the coast clear?"
"We think so, call Frank."
"Frank, come here."
"I'm here, is the coast clear?"
Reposted
it’s not just his head it’s his whole body his name should just be mr potato
December 31, 2024 at 2:55 PM
it’s not just his head it’s his whole body his name should just be mr potato
Reposted
Reposted
Reposted
No, I said I’m on a Low CRAB diet. I only eat crabs that are very flat
December 21, 2024 at 3:56 PM
No, I said I’m on a Low CRAB diet. I only eat crabs that are very flat
Reposted
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife's wedding dress] laundry
Me: [wearing my wife's wedding dress] laundry
December 21, 2024 at 9:04 PM
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife's wedding dress] laundry
Me: [wearing my wife's wedding dress] laundry
Reposted
"Say it!"
"No!"
"Say it, Hans."
"My name's not Hans!"
"I WILL drop you."
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
"Die Hard is a Christmas movie!"
"No!"
"Say it, Hans."
"My name's not Hans!"
"I WILL drop you."
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
"Die Hard is a Christmas movie!"
December 21, 2024 at 5:02 PM
"Say it!"
"No!"
"Say it, Hans."
"My name's not Hans!"
"I WILL drop you."
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
"Die Hard is a Christmas movie!"
"No!"
"Say it, Hans."
"My name's not Hans!"
"I WILL drop you."
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
"Die Hard is a Christmas movie!"
Reposted
Oh, you’re an early riser? You think that’s cool? That’s how you get worms
December 20, 2024 at 1:30 PM
Oh, you’re an early riser? You think that’s cool? That’s how you get worms
Reposted
[pitching a Superman movie]
ME: okay, what if...
STUDIO EXEC: Brian is this another pitch where Superman plays for the Philadelphia Eagles?
ME: ... maybe
ME: okay, what if...
STUDIO EXEC: Brian is this another pitch where Superman plays for the Philadelphia Eagles?
ME: ... maybe
December 19, 2024 at 3:00 PM
[pitching a Superman movie]
ME: okay, what if...
STUDIO EXEC: Brian is this another pitch where Superman plays for the Philadelphia Eagles?
ME: ... maybe
ME: okay, what if...
STUDIO EXEC: Brian is this another pitch where Superman plays for the Philadelphia Eagles?
ME: ... maybe
Reposted
“Bill, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
December 18, 2024 at 7:36 PM
“Bill, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Reposted
except chickens, because fuck chickens
December 19, 2024 at 1:30 PM
except chickens, because fuck chickens
Reposted
"One of the great tragedies of mankind is that morality has been hijacked by religion. So now people assume that religion and morality have a necessary connection. But the basis of morality is really very simple and doesn't require religion at all."
-- Arthur C. Clarke, born #OTD 1917
-- Arthur C. Clarke, born #OTD 1917
December 16, 2024 at 11:09 AM
"One of the great tragedies of mankind is that morality has been hijacked by religion. So now people assume that religion and morality have a necessary connection. But the basis of morality is really very simple and doesn't require religion at all."
-- Arthur C. Clarke, born #OTD 1917
-- Arthur C. Clarke, born #OTD 1917
Reposted
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
December 11, 2024 at 12:49 PM
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Reposted
Don't ever let them treat you like corn dogs. You're Beef Wellington, baby.
December 8, 2024 at 4:37 PM
Don't ever let them treat you like corn dogs. You're Beef Wellington, baby.