@scottish1979.bsky.social
Scot, buffet-slayer, occasional caddie, cynic.
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Oh, shove your 'smart speaker' up your arse, Radio 3. "All without touching a button!" I DON'T MIND TOUCHING A BUTTON! I CAN COPE WITH TOUCHING A FUCKING BUTTON! Good morning.
January 9, 2026 at 7:11 AM
Oh, shove your 'smart speaker' up your arse, Radio 3. "All without touching a button!" I DON'T MIND TOUCHING A BUTTON! I CAN COPE WITH TOUCHING A FUCKING BUTTON! Good morning.
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Pre Maduro Zack elation.
January 4, 2026 at 8:49 AM
Pre Maduro Zack elation.
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These Test matches are like episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond. The narrative and the reason they all get angry is slightly different each time, but by the end we're back to where we started, and nobody has genuinely learnt any lessons.
And Australians find it much funnier than the English.
And Australians find it much funnier than the English.
December 26, 2025 at 9:23 AM
These Test matches are like episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond. The narrative and the reason they all get angry is slightly different each time, but by the end we're back to where we started, and nobody has genuinely learnt any lessons.
And Australians find it much funnier than the English.
And Australians find it much funnier than the English.
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—I’ve been asked to baptise the King of Spain’s daughter
—Infanta?
—No, holy water as usual. Weird thing to ask honestly
—Infanta?
—No, holy water as usual. Weird thing to ask honestly
December 15, 2025 at 1:08 PM
—I’ve been asked to baptise the King of Spain’s daughter
—Infanta?
—No, holy water as usual. Weird thing to ask honestly
—Infanta?
—No, holy water as usual. Weird thing to ask honestly
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Will Arnett was on Conan and told a story about how Conan dealt with the death of his parents by accusing Jason Bateman of killing them. It’s so funny.
December 9, 2025 at 5:35 PM
Will Arnett was on Conan and told a story about how Conan dealt with the death of his parents by accusing Jason Bateman of killing them. It’s so funny.
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In S17 of #Taskmaster, Nick Mohammed dressed as a vampire for his tasks. The production scrubbed all his reflections when he's dressed like this, but the only way I knew is because someone told me about it. It's subtle and very cool.
December 6, 2025 at 5:03 PM
In S17 of #Taskmaster, Nick Mohammed dressed as a vampire for his tasks. The production scrubbed all his reflections when he's dressed like this, but the only way I knew is because someone told me about it. It's subtle and very cool.
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Everyone knows St Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland & St George slew that dragon. So why isn’t it common knowledge that St Andrew punched a pterodactyl in the face?
Happy St Andrew’s Day
Happy St Andrew’s Day
November 30, 2025 at 5:38 PM
Everyone knows St Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland & St George slew that dragon. So why isn’t it common knowledge that St Andrew punched a pterodactyl in the face?
Happy St Andrew’s Day
Happy St Andrew’s Day
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![[Scene is a kitchen - a middle aged woman called JANET is boiling peas at the stove. A younger more colourfully dressed woman named LIZ approached her.]
JANET:
Ugh...
LIZ:
What's up?
JANET:
I am so bored of cooking peas!
LIZ:
Have you tried...
AI peas?
JANET:
AI peas?
LIZ:
They're peas with AI!
[Liz holds up to us a packet of peas labelled: Pea-i AI - Peas with AI].
LIZ:
Al-powered peas harness the potential of your peas
JANET:
What
LIZ [Now a voiceover as we cut to a whizzy technology diagram of peas all connected by meaningless dotted lines]
Why not take your peas to the next level with Al Peas' new Al tools to power your peas?
[Show a techno diagram of a pea with a label reading 'AI' pointing to a random zone in it]
LIZ:
Each pea has Al in a way we haven't quite worked out yet but it's fine
[Show Janet and Liz now in a Matrix-style world of peas]
LIZ:
With Al peas you can supercharge productivity and make AI work for your peas!
JANET:
What
LIZ:
Shut up
LIZ:
Our game-changing Pea-Al gives you the freedom to unlock the potential of the power of the future of your peas workflow
From opening the bag of peas
to boiling the peas
to eating the peas
To spending millions on adding Al to the peas and then having to work out what that even means.
JANET:
Is it really necessary to-
LIZ [Grabbing Janet by the collar]:
THE PEAS HAVE GOT AI, JANET
[Cut to an advert ending screen, with the bag of peas and the slogan:
AI PEAS: Just 'Peas' for god's sake buy the AI peas.
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiayqa37f7kik7l7s7fbtfp2sir5ckb662ry2lylinyjrfa2rkvvka@jpeg)
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I give Catholic bishops a hard time often for all the obvious reasons, but this is beautiful and loving, and I'm deeply grateful to hear it. This can change hearts and save lives.
Good statement from the US conference of Catholic Bishops
November 14, 2025 at 3:49 AM
I give Catholic bishops a hard time often for all the obvious reasons, but this is beautiful and loving, and I'm deeply grateful to hear it. This can change hearts and save lives.
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Let me tell you a story (before the ship explodes):
October 24, 2025 at 10:39 AM
Let me tell you a story (before the ship explodes):
@dj-acid-reflux.bsky.social @nivenj1.bsky.social my sons came up with the goods for my birthday.
October 6, 2025 at 7:00 AM
@dj-acid-reflux.bsky.social @nivenj1.bsky.social my sons came up with the goods for my birthday.
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Can't even say "shiver me timbers" or call your coworkers "landlubbers" any more without people making all kinds of assumptions about you
October 5, 2025 at 11:08 AM
Can't even say "shiver me timbers" or call your coworkers "landlubbers" any more without people making all kinds of assumptions about you
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(during sex)
Yes, this is a professional tenor kazoo and yes, it has a different and much warmer timbre than a student version. Do you still want that orgasm or are you going to keep asking questions?
(angrily continues playing the kazoo)
Yes, this is a professional tenor kazoo and yes, it has a different and much warmer timbre than a student version. Do you still want that orgasm or are you going to keep asking questions?
(angrily continues playing the kazoo)
August 20, 2025 at 10:17 PM
(during sex)
Yes, this is a professional tenor kazoo and yes, it has a different and much warmer timbre than a student version. Do you still want that orgasm or are you going to keep asking questions?
(angrily continues playing the kazoo)
Yes, this is a professional tenor kazoo and yes, it has a different and much warmer timbre than a student version. Do you still want that orgasm or are you going to keep asking questions?
(angrily continues playing the kazoo)
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Me: The rack? You're going to torture me with boobs?? Maybe after that i can suffer the Thighs lmao
Medieval torturer: See it's this kind of thing that got you here in the first place
Medieval torturer: See it's this kind of thing that got you here in the first place
August 7, 2025 at 8:45 PM
Me: The rack? You're going to torture me with boobs?? Maybe after that i can suffer the Thighs lmao
Medieval torturer: See it's this kind of thing that got you here in the first place
Medieval torturer: See it's this kind of thing that got you here in the first place
@nivenj1.bsky.social is the shopping centre in Irvine where the Albanian lads have been done for growing the weed the same place your dad worked at?
August 6, 2025 at 6:21 PM
@nivenj1.bsky.social is the shopping centre in Irvine where the Albanian lads have been done for growing the weed the same place your dad worked at?
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Oh dear, how sad, never mind.
Millionaire American trophy hunter Asher Watkins, 52, was gored to death on the horns of a buffalo he tried to kill on a trip to South Africa.
Millionaire trophy hunter gored to death by 1.3 tonne bull on African safari
Asher Watkins, 52, was tracking a 1.3 tonne Cape Buffalo bull, known as the Black Death, on Sunday when it suddenly charged at him at 35mph.
metro.co.uk
August 6, 2025 at 2:53 PM
Oh dear, how sad, never mind.
The mid-song banter of Jarvis Cocker is a tad Shuttleworthesque and I'm absolutely fine with that. #glastonbury #pulp
June 28, 2025 at 6:00 PM
The mid-song banter of Jarvis Cocker is a tad Shuttleworthesque and I'm absolutely fine with that. #glastonbury #pulp
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ewok is short for electronic wok
June 28, 2025 at 4:29 PM
ewok is short for electronic wok
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"Note to Lynne. Starmer explains his new immigration beliefs to fellow guests in the hospitality box at Arsenal. Then has to look Bukayo Saka's parents in the eye."
May 13, 2025 at 5:52 AM
"Note to Lynne. Starmer explains his new immigration beliefs to fellow guests in the hospitality box at Arsenal. Then has to look Bukayo Saka's parents in the eye."
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Impressive that Shania Twain called out the twist in the film Fight Club two years previously.
May 6, 2025 at 6:19 AM
Impressive that Shania Twain called out the twist in the film Fight Club two years previously.
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I think he likes it. He speaks, the market goes down. He speaks again, the market goes up. Reminds me of a child playing with the bell on a bus
April 23, 2025 at 11:12 PM
I think he likes it. He speaks, the market goes down. He speaks again, the market goes up. Reminds me of a child playing with the bell on a bus
This is worth your time.
SORRY. Sorry.
Have we seen this *incredible* news video coming out of Queensland? Wait for the witness/witnesses statement
Have we seen this *incredible* news video coming out of Queensland? Wait for the witness/witnesses statement
April 21, 2025 at 3:48 PM
This is worth your time.
The best thing about today's news is thinking about how bored Trump's going to be at the funeral mass.
April 21, 2025 at 9:10 AM
The best thing about today's news is thinking about how bored Trump's going to be at the funeral mass.