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Adam

@adamurb.bsky.social

2.6K followers 1K following 1.2K posts

Don’t get me wrong, but don’t get me right, either. Here’s the rub ⤵️ https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:pdxybkcvl4yoe4rczp5r3cen/feed/aaak2h6q5xaqa

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Adam @adamurb.bsky.social · Jul 25

Me: (a new vampire) I still kinda want a hotdog

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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud.bsky.social · 22h

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

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Ennui Doofen @ennuidoofen.bsky.social · 18h

One great thing about having a chest wound is you can walk around with a real "what are ya gonna do to me, stab me in the chest?" attitude. I'm just here to remind you that one can have two chest wounds, so you may wanna say,"What are you gonna do to me, stab me in the chest TWICE?"

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Truckstop Vigilante @brenthor.bsky.social · 1d

Playfully spraying my neighbour with the hose as he's loaded into the coroners van

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Brick's 𝕳𝖆𝖚𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖉 House 🍁🎃 @brickmahoney.bsky.social · 22h

Last night I dreamt I met God but he teased me about wetting the bed

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Adam @adamurb.bsky.social · 1d

Me: Are you ready for my cavity search?

Dentist: please stop calling it that

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Adam @adamurb.bsky.social · 5d

My wife and I, trying to decide what to do with extra garage space.

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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud.bsky.social · 6d

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

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andy vs. @im-all-id.me · 6d

Friend: I found your doppelganger

*shows you picture of the worst looking person you've ever seen in your life*

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Adam @adamurb.bsky.social · 9d

Me, quiet as a mouse: (slapping a mousetrap with stick) SUCK IT TRAP

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GᵣₐbₜₕₑWₑₙₑₛₛ @ayankdownunder.bsky.social · 12d

me: Rain or shine, I think you’re fine.

garden gnome: Sorry, I’m really focusing on myself right now.

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Marauding Lycanthrope @planetcupcake.bsky.social · 14d

I really hope the medbed takes Susan B. Anthony dollar coins, I have a whole jug of 'em saved up and boy do I need some extreme dental work

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more mr. dice guy @juniorhoncho.bsky.social · 14d

NASA should try to find some ice on earth for once so we can use it to cool the atmosphere

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Brick's 𝕳𝖆𝖚𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖉 House 🍁🎃 @brickmahoney.bsky.social · 14d

I just watched a squirrel stretching in a tree. It was cute. Like he was oblivious to the impending collapse of the free world. Stupid squirrel.

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Adam @adamurb.bsky.social · 15d

I put two iPhones next to each other and omg they’re kissing

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Adam @adamurb.bsky.social · 16d

It’s very telling that the dish washer takes one hour to wash the dishes and it takes me 4 days to put them away.

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Molly (Out of the Office Edition) @mollymollz.bsky.social · 18d

Villain fashion at it's finest. Everyone needs a chainmail shirt.

A guy in a chainmail vest and a big steel chain along with Dan Hedaya.

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RXSarsparilla🎉 @gypsymoon1969.bsky.social · 17d

Yes, I am having cheese for dinner. 11.5 hour day ffs.

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duck @snakeroot.bsky.social · 17d

Cheese Rules Everything Around Me

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Adam @adamurb.bsky.social · 18d

I was looking forward to the high falutin’ fuddy duddies floating off the planet today.

Oh, well. Maybe next year.

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alexis simpson @amutepiggy.bsky.social · 18d

mentally ill implies the existence of womenshorty healthy

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Adam @adamurb.bsky.social · 19d

I hope tomorrow isn’t the rapture, I still have some stuff I want to do.

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Adam @adamurb.bsky.social · 21d

1,2 buckle my shoe
3,4 I’m still waiting for someone to buckle my shoe
5,6 ok this is getting to be annoying
7,8 these shoes ain’t gonna buckle themselves
9,10 fuck it I’m going barefoot

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Adam @adamurb.bsky.social · 23d

Daredevil: Born Again has been renewed for a third season, which is weird, because Daredevil himself still hasn’t seen even the first season.

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andy vs. @im-all-id.me · 23d

My boss told me he wrote his wife's birthday card with chat gpt

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