i have over 20 yrs experience in the field with feedback ranging from “ohmyfuckinggod” to nonsensical moans, as well as a completion rate of 95% (+/- 3)

- updating my blowjob resume

babydoll i recognize
you’re a hideous thing inside

drinking coffee after noon is a disaster it is like daring your brain to do nothing but play the tambourine off-beat all night long when you’re trying to sleep

i will carry your night skies and the shushing whispers of your early morning rainstorms
i will harmonize with your lonesome cries as you tattoo the rhythms of your favorite songs over my skin
and when the sun wakes again this side of our world, i will stand beside you fingers curled through yours

my dream self made a context appropriate reference to “waiting for godot” while conversing with another dream character and the first thing i said when i awoke was “fucken nerd”

they should make doctor’s appointments that i am excited about

upon my death i request to be placed in a clawfoot tub filled with marshmallows and suspended over a fire so people can make s’mores out of me

THEM: whatcha doin

ME: [filling a plate with slugs and flatworms] making creepypasta

THEM: that’s not what…

ME: [whistles tarantella while tossing in duck penis and a disarticulated teddy ruxpin]

[First date]
Me: You’re in for a real treat later. My anus looks like a group of Michael Chiklis impersonators gathered around an open grave.

Siri has a poor sense of humor. I once did the under there/underwear joke to her and she sent a SWAT team to my house and spent my entire direct deposit on edible arrangements

Thank you for including me! 🫶

HEY YOU 🫵 wanna follow some funny folks you may not have seen floating around The Sky yet? here are some of my favorite posters with under 10k followers

DM me if you want me to remove you 🥰

Them: Can I tell you something?
Me: Probably? I mean you’ve demonstrated you can ask me something so it should really just be a matter of punctuation.

Sorry I cried “to the thicket!” before going down on you.

Okay well if you don't want both of your thumbs shot off then don't be popping off at people with shit like "I declare a thumb war," some folk do not take such declarations lightly, now let's chalk this up to a misunderstanding and I'll take you to the hospital

Don't mind him, that's just Impaled by Harpoons Jim, he's named that on account of the harpoons that keep impaling him. *Waves* hey Jim

Jim: *a harpoon suddenly flies out of nowhere and impales him* howdy

lonely farts club band

Me: [forgetting your name for the 100th time]

Also me: "877-Cash Now!"

This is the way

Welcome to adulthood. You now identify sounds by how expensive they’ll be.

How much ball cleavage…dickolletage if you’d prefer…is best for a white tie event?

THE EAGLES: take it to the limit

CADY HERON: the limit does not exist

Yeah, transport chairs aren’t very comfortable and limit the person’s ability to self-propel, but they are often the only option in homes with narrow halls and doorways. Space is also a limiting factor for any lifts because they are all pretty large.

I’m sorry it “ruins the mood” Sharon, but my mom taught me to always say “oopsie” whenever I make a mess.