Lance Said This
@lancesaidthis.bsky.social
A dorky, fun loving souse who likes crosswords & people who don't litter. Wrote for Rules of Engagement (CBS), Stuck in the Middle (Disney), & more. Just here for jokes.
My Stuff: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:5ek6l2rvwipwzzebkdcc2jai/feed/aaaoulnn7lmgq
My Stuff: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:5ek6l2rvwipwzzebkdcc2jai/feed/aaaoulnn7lmgq
Pinned
Ordering drinks in Vegas is like, "The lady will have a glass of your finest Pinot Noir, and I will have 48 ounces of well rum and Hawaiian Punch served in a giant plastic guitar."
Reposted by Lance Said This
I'm proud to be an American - except when I'm asked to sign some petition outside a grocery store, in which case, I'm Canadian.
November 22, 2025 at 10:57 PM
I'm proud to be an American - except when I'm asked to sign some petition outside a grocery store, in which case, I'm Canadian.
I'm proud to be an American - except when I'm asked to sign some petition outside a grocery store, in which case, I'm Canadian.
November 22, 2025 at 10:57 PM
I'm proud to be an American - except when I'm asked to sign some petition outside a grocery store, in which case, I'm Canadian.
Coughdrops are like candy in that they taste kind of sweet and also do nothing to suppress a cough.
November 20, 2025 at 10:31 PM
Coughdrops are like candy in that they taste kind of sweet and also do nothing to suppress a cough.
ME: I'm no baby, I just asked if you'd kiss my Boo-Boos.
HER: Fine, where are you hurt?
ME: I'm not.
*Takes out Yogi Bear doll collection*
HER: Fine, where are you hurt?
ME: I'm not.
*Takes out Yogi Bear doll collection*
November 17, 2025 at 6:39 PM
ME: I'm no baby, I just asked if you'd kiss my Boo-Boos.
HER: Fine, where are you hurt?
ME: I'm not.
*Takes out Yogi Bear doll collection*
HER: Fine, where are you hurt?
ME: I'm not.
*Takes out Yogi Bear doll collection*
Reposted by Lance Said This
It turns out that anybody can be a greeter at Walmart. You don't even have to work there.
November 15, 2025 at 1:15 PM
It turns out that anybody can be a greeter at Walmart. You don't even have to work there.
Reposted by Lance Said This
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it at least six or seven times.
November 15, 2025 at 5:36 PM
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it at least six or seven times.
Reposted by Lance Said This
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue.
November 12, 2025 at 11:35 PM
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue.
I've learned that if I want something done right, I'm gonna have to find someone else to do it myself.
November 15, 2025 at 5:28 PM
I've learned that if I want something done right, I'm gonna have to find someone else to do it myself.
There are few things I know for certain, but one of them is that both salads and sandwiches 100% taste better when someone else has made it for you.
November 13, 2025 at 11:14 PM
There are few things I know for certain, but one of them is that both salads and sandwiches 100% taste better when someone else has made it for you.
Reposted by Lance Said This
Im a fraud. I eat trail mix but never go on a trail. I drink Gatorade but no part of me is gator. I buy kind bars and throw them at people
November 13, 2025 at 1:55 AM
Im a fraud. I eat trail mix but never go on a trail. I drink Gatorade but no part of me is gator. I buy kind bars and throw them at people
Reposted by Lance Said This
For what I pay in health insurance, I should get one free MRI of “whatever I want.”
October 29, 2025 at 11:39 AM
For what I pay in health insurance, I should get one free MRI of “whatever I want.”
You can never go home again.
Or at least this was the message I got when discussing my holiday plans with my parents.
Or at least this was the message I got when discussing my holiday plans with my parents.
November 11, 2025 at 10:00 PM
You can never go home again.
Or at least this was the message I got when discussing my holiday plans with my parents.
Or at least this was the message I got when discussing my holiday plans with my parents.
Reposted by Lance Said This
we are the daughters of the hamburgers you could not help
October 15, 2025 at 3:48 PM
we are the daughters of the hamburgers you could not help
Reposted by Lance Said This
I didn't ruin the workplace but you might want to avoid that one chair.
November 7, 2025 at 4:28 PM
I didn't ruin the workplace but you might want to avoid that one chair.
ME: Your Honor, I'd like to submit this link to my best Skeets as Exhibit A.
JUDGE: Is it relevant?
ME: Not to anyone so far.
JUDGE: Is it relevant?
ME: Not to anyone so far.
November 9, 2025 at 5:17 PM
ME: Your Honor, I'd like to submit this link to my best Skeets as Exhibit A.
JUDGE: Is it relevant?
ME: Not to anyone so far.
JUDGE: Is it relevant?
ME: Not to anyone so far.
The 80s were a time when Al Bundy, an idiot shoe salesman, could afford a 3 bedroom home in Chicago.
November 7, 2025 at 9:59 PM
The 80s were a time when Al Bundy, an idiot shoe salesman, could afford a 3 bedroom home in Chicago.
Just about ready to make my 2025 New Year's Resolution to stop procrastinating.
November 6, 2025 at 6:01 PM
Just about ready to make my 2025 New Year's Resolution to stop procrastinating.
Reposted by Lance Said This
You don't realise how dull your life is until someone asks what your hobbies are.
November 6, 2025 at 3:25 AM
You don't realise how dull your life is until someone asks what your hobbies are.
This was the craziest baseball game since Reggie Jackson tried to kill the Queen!
November 2, 2025 at 4:11 AM
This was the craziest baseball game since Reggie Jackson tried to kill the Queen!
Just getting ready to watch the baseball game with 34 of my friends.
Why, yes, I 𝘢𝘮 single!
Why, yes, I 𝘢𝘮 single!
October 31, 2025 at 10:31 PM
Just getting ready to watch the baseball game with 34 of my friends.
Why, yes, I 𝘢𝘮 single!
Why, yes, I 𝘢𝘮 single!
Sometimes I wish I had kids, but it would have been a bummer to lie to them and say Halloween was cancelled so I can watch the World Series.
October 31, 2025 at 5:15 PM
Sometimes I wish I had kids, but it would have been a bummer to lie to them and say Halloween was cancelled so I can watch the World Series.
It was then, at my weakest moment, when I noticed there were only my set of footprints in the sand.
And I shouted, "Why hath you foresaken me?"
And you responded, days later, in a text... "Because someone sent me a cat video."
And I shouted, "Why hath you foresaken me?"
And you responded, days later, in a text... "Because someone sent me a cat video."
October 30, 2025 at 3:45 AM
It was then, at my weakest moment, when I noticed there were only my set of footprints in the sand.
And I shouted, "Why hath you foresaken me?"
And you responded, days later, in a text... "Because someone sent me a cat video."
And I shouted, "Why hath you foresaken me?"
And you responded, days later, in a text... "Because someone sent me a cat video."
Reposted by Lance Said This
My neighbor says her dead husband has come back as the robin who flies outside her window. I hate to tell her the average lifespan of a robin means he'll be dead again soon.
October 28, 2025 at 8:10 PM
My neighbor says her dead husband has come back as the robin who flies outside her window. I hate to tell her the average lifespan of a robin means he'll be dead again soon.
My neighbor says her dead husband has come back as the robin who flies outside her window. I hate to tell her the average lifespan of a robin means he'll be dead again soon.
October 28, 2025 at 8:10 PM
My neighbor says her dead husband has come back as the robin who flies outside her window. I hate to tell her the average lifespan of a robin means he'll be dead again soon.
I can't believe they had to stop serving beer at this World Series game 11 innings ago!
October 28, 2025 at 6:49 AM
I can't believe they had to stop serving beer at this World Series game 11 innings ago!