The Big Lebowski is like watching someone do a blind playthrough of a point and click adventure game and get everything right first try

*wakes up*

brain: u wanna be scared or sad today?
me: those are my only options?
brain: both it is

I heard there was a secret ooze that turned four reptiles into dudes, but you don’t really care for turtles do ya

I tried a red hot chili pepper once, and I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day!

*me being followed around my house by a bug*
"Do you think he likes me? 😍"
*The bug*
"Fffzzzttt"
*Me, swooning*
"Oh you!"

My mind is far afield, I whisper mysteriously, as I wonder whether Mr Potato Head would be hunted or gathered

Me: *Is myself*
Them: You should really do the thing.
Me: *Does every step leading up to the thing, without actually doing the thing*
Them: ShockedPikachuFace.jpg

What if I told you that the only reason I am bald is that I’m afraid of a Ratatouille situation? What if I told you that I’d have so much hair if not for the fear of a rat using me like a puppet? These are modes of control, Neo. This is how they manipulate us. Ratatouilles, Neo. Rats that pull hair.

Cute Games - Gator Days

At my fitness level, every stairway is a possible stairway to heaven. Or hell. Probably hell.

saying “that could fix me” while looking at a pic of $1 million

Women, would this work on you?

(unknowingly digging my own grave) not getting great vibes about this me-sized hole

i swear to god circles are some of the roundest shit i've ever seen in my life

due to legal reasons there is now only one wolf inside of me

mental health break? you bet it did