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Jon

@arfmeasures.bsky.social

11K followers 230 following 130 posts

I'm only on season 3 of the news. No spoilers please. https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:eovcv23qyhbah4huiqzirnp4/feed/aaaea46bxsi3k

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Jon @arfmeasures.bsky.social · Nov 18

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I'm gonna put no

Me: ok

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fredesque @fredtaming.bsky.social · Dec 7

doctor: get ready to say "aah"

me: why are we on the roof

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Frovo @frovo.bsky.social · Mar 20

KID: hey mister can i pet your dog?

ME: sure kid

KID: what kind is he?

ME: that there's a pure beef vienna son careful don't get mustard on your shirt

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Jon @arfmeasures.bsky.social · Nov 8

Me: There's no lamb

Chef: Then grill the chicken

Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you son of a bitch

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Jon @arfmeasures.bsky.social · Dec 13

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don't think Waldo is in there

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Viktor Winetrout @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social · Feb 27

[interrupting opponent during rap battle] That’s not my name. No one calls me that

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Jon @arfmeasures.bsky.social · Feb 27

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn't it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here

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Dropped Mike @rebrafsim.bsky.social · Feb 27

[restaurant]

waiter: would you like water?

me: yes please

waiter: still?

me: I literally just said yes

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Frovo @frovo.bsky.social · Feb 27

LAUREN BACALL: you just put your lips together and blow

HUMPHREY BOGART: *holding nintendo cartridge* i know how to get it to work lauren

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Jon @arfmeasures.bsky.social · Feb 27

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn't it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here

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Jon @arfmeasures.bsky.social · May 10

Wife: use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

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Jon @arfmeasures.bsky.social · Dec 5

Me *orders our food fluently in Italian to impress my date*

McDonalds drive-thru employee: what

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mark magark @markedly.bsky.social · Jan 31

Me: how do I do my taxes

Public School: shut the fuck up and square dance

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Ygrene @ygrene.bsky.social · Jan 21

[making pizza rolls]

instructions: heat them up

me: yes

instructions: let them cool

me: no

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Hi, it's Abby. Yep. @itsabbyyep.bsky.social · Dec 27

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known

Me: Yes, I wrote that

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the hype @thehyyyype.bsky.social · Dec 28

Bouncer at exclusive underground club: what's the secret handshake?

Me: [does the secret handshake]

Bouncer: and your 2-factor authentication?

Me: [pulling out hamster, who also does the secret handshake]

Bouncer: come on in

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the hype @thehyyyype.bsky.social · Dec 10

[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "I'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"]

me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit