FreeRangeMattress
@freemattress.bsky.social
Post apocalyptic dad
Avi by @invisichad.bsky.social
Avi by @invisichad.bsky.social
Pinned
If you die in your mind Arby’s you die in real life
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
WHAT ANNOYING GUYS THINK SUN TZU'S ART OF WAR SAYS: show everyone in every single situation you're the big dog, literally bark in your bosses face to assert dominance
ACTUAL SUN TZU: no but seriously you do have to feed your army
ACTUAL SUN TZU: no but seriously you do have to feed your army
November 18, 2025 at 12:53 AM
WHAT ANNOYING GUYS THINK SUN TZU'S ART OF WAR SAYS: show everyone in every single situation you're the big dog, literally bark in your bosses face to assert dominance
ACTUAL SUN TZU: no but seriously you do have to feed your army
ACTUAL SUN TZU: no but seriously you do have to feed your army
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
coding a widget that auto-deletes any post that gets over 200 reposts. I will be a hero, to myself
November 18, 2025 at 2:08 AM
coding a widget that auto-deletes any post that gets over 200 reposts. I will be a hero, to myself
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
the key thing when cooking with duck is to master the mallard reaction
November 16, 2025 at 12:04 AM
the key thing when cooking with duck is to master the mallard reaction
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
have you considered lying down in the woods and giving up about it
November 10, 2025 at 1:32 PM
have you considered lying down in the woods and giving up about it
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
Sometimes I get jealous of people who are retiring, then I remember they’re nearing the end of their natural lifespan and I get even more jealous.
November 11, 2025 at 12:31 PM
Sometimes I get jealous of people who are retiring, then I remember they’re nearing the end of their natural lifespan and I get even more jealous.
My proposal is that plane tickets should be free but you have no control over your destination and no one will tell you where it is until you get there
November 4, 2025 at 5:27 PM
My proposal is that plane tickets should be free but you have no control over your destination and no one will tell you where it is until you get there
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
parenting is mainly about trying to sell your kids on outright lies like “eating Nerds before breakfast is a bad idea, buddy”
November 3, 2025 at 11:25 AM
parenting is mainly about trying to sell your kids on outright lies like “eating Nerds before breakfast is a bad idea, buddy”
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
Good news! An emo kid saw their shadow so there's six more weeks of Halloween.
November 1, 2025 at 7:47 PM
Good news! An emo kid saw their shadow so there's six more weeks of Halloween.
Waking up from a dream and furiously scribbling “feta cheese as a concept” on the nearest piece of paper
October 20, 2025 at 1:28 AM
Waking up from a dream and furiously scribbling “feta cheese as a concept” on the nearest piece of paper
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
happy none pizza left beef day!! it's been 18 years and is now old enough to vote
October 19, 2025 at 4:07 PM
happy none pizza left beef day!! it's been 18 years and is now old enough to vote
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
"the sun's harmful rays?"
You owe the sun EVERYTHING. You would not be shit without the sun.
You owe the sun EVERYTHING. You would not be shit without the sun.
October 16, 2025 at 10:13 PM
"the sun's harmful rays?"
You owe the sun EVERYTHING. You would not be shit without the sun.
You owe the sun EVERYTHING. You would not be shit without the sun.
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
monster truck voice announcing the bride
October 5, 2023 at 12:04 AM
monster truck voice announcing the bride
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
Microsoft hates computers AND everyone who uses them, whereas Apple only hates computers, and Linux only hates the people who use them. In this essay I will
October 16, 2025 at 6:19 PM
Microsoft hates computers AND everyone who uses them, whereas Apple only hates computers, and Linux only hates the people who use them. In this essay I will
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
All lactose is tolerable for the pure of heart
October 15, 2025 at 1:01 PM
All lactose is tolerable for the pure of heart
Might fuck around and keep a pair of headphones connected to an audio source where I can play music that represents my current mental state so I can tell people to check the headphones before they talk to me to make sure they really want to
October 15, 2025 at 5:45 AM
Might fuck around and keep a pair of headphones connected to an audio source where I can play music that represents my current mental state so I can tell people to check the headphones before they talk to me to make sure they really want to
It’s cool how the universe is an infinite expanse of awe inspiring wonder and yet it finds a way to hand me the most psychologically damaging outcome possible for at least one situation every single day
October 15, 2025 at 4:22 AM
It’s cool how the universe is an infinite expanse of awe inspiring wonder and yet it finds a way to hand me the most psychologically damaging outcome possible for at least one situation every single day
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
Rob! Rob, it’s Marvin! Your cousin, Marvin Zombie!
October 10, 2025 at 2:10 AM
Rob! Rob, it’s Marvin! Your cousin, Marvin Zombie!
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
One great thing about having a chest wound is you can walk around with a real "what are ya gonna do to me, stab me in the chest?" attitude. I'm just here to remind you that one can have two chest wounds, so you may wanna say,"What are you gonna do to me, stab me in the chest TWICE?"
October 11, 2025 at 10:33 PM
One great thing about having a chest wound is you can walk around with a real "what are ya gonna do to me, stab me in the chest?" attitude. I'm just here to remind you that one can have two chest wounds, so you may wanna say,"What are you gonna do to me, stab me in the chest TWICE?"
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
me and my crab saw you from across the bucket and were hoping we could pull you down
August 31, 2024 at 6:38 PM
me and my crab saw you from across the bucket and were hoping we could pull you down
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
(Buying a hot dog at the beach and releasing it into the ocean) Go on little one, you're free now
October 10, 2025 at 3:51 PM
(Buying a hot dog at the beach and releasing it into the ocean) Go on little one, you're free now
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
scientist: at long last, we have perfected the art of instant human duplication. what would you like to name your clone?
George Foreman: honestly, nothing comes to mind
George Foreman: honestly, nothing comes to mind
October 7, 2025 at 11:16 PM
scientist: at long last, we have perfected the art of instant human duplication. what would you like to name your clone?
George Foreman: honestly, nothing comes to mind
George Foreman: honestly, nothing comes to mind
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
Doctor Baby (age 3.5) has diagnosed his sister as “probably gonna die” but he has medicine for that (it’s cheese)
October 5, 2025 at 7:26 PM
Doctor Baby (age 3.5) has diagnosed his sister as “probably gonna die” but he has medicine for that (it’s cheese)
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
i think it's high time we let the ai have a cigarette
October 5, 2025 at 2:40 PM
i think it's high time we let the ai have a cigarette
Reposted by FreeRangeMattress
Roll for initiative? *sucks air through teeth* I think I'm just gonna let this guy brain me with a mace, actually
October 5, 2025 at 1:04 AM
Roll for initiative? *sucks air through teeth* I think I'm just gonna let this guy brain me with a mace, actually