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Kalvin the Reindeer

@kalvinmacleod.bsky.social

19K followers 290 following 1.9K posts

Boardgame enthusiast. Socially awkward. Dumb: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:7um6cygepxtnieeqlat6crrn/feed/aaaeez754tysi

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Kalvin the Reindeer @kalvinmacleod.bsky.social · Dec 17

[playing poker]

FRIEND: I’m all in

ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too

FRIEND: um, a pair of kings

ME: you bet we are

37 2.3K 10K

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andy vs. @im-all-id.me · 3d

Friend: I found your doppelganger

*shows you picture of the worst looking person you've ever seen in your life*

33 170 1.1K

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Ennui Doofen @ennuidoofen.bsky.social · 2d

it's okay to have fun during spooky month even if you're having a whole spooky life

11 140 590

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Greg the Miller @gregthemiller.bsky.social · 10d

bad news. it’s actually pretty nice having clothes put away instead of in a pile

45 140 680

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mr potato @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 12d

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

26 1.8K 8K

Kalvin the Reindeer @kalvinmacleod.bsky.social · Jul 24

Nothing like having a bunch of your childhood heroes die in quick succession to remind you to load the dishwasher correctly.

5 25

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Uncle Duke @uncleduke1969.bsky.social · Jul 16

wife: your life insurance premium paid up?
me: yeah
wife: good
me: why?
wife: no reason
me: ...
wife: ...
me: ...
wife: here, taste this

28 80 730

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Ygrene @ygrene.bsky.social · Jun 26

sorry to be controversial but clowns should've never been allowed to drive cars. the shoe to pedal ratio is too high and it is a recipe for danger

13 74 500

Kalvin the Reindeer @kalvinmacleod.bsky.social · Jun 13

[high school graduation]

SON: why are you crying?

ME: *thinking about how proud I am and how much I'm going to miss him and how life goes too fast* because your mom made me wear dress shoes

18 91

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Damnit Janet @damnitjanet.bsky.social · Jun 9

The smallest type of animal is a minimal

9 93 250

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Greeneville Zoo @greenevillezoo.bsky.social · Jun 6

In hindsight, it was a bad move to install the mulberry bushes. We’ve lost a lot of weasels.

12 55 340

Kalvin the Reindeer @kalvinmacleod.bsky.social · Jun 3

Ivan to take it back but it's too late.

1 2

Kalvin the Reindeer @kalvinmacleod.bsky.social · Jun 3

Russian roulette is like regular roulette as long as you haven’t died nyet.

3 9 32

Kalvin the Reindeer @kalvinmacleod.bsky.social · Jun 3

I know. I've been staring at it for 6 hours.

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Ennui Doofen @ennuidoofen.bsky.social · Jun 3

there should be an emotional pain scale like 0-10+, how many funny animal reels do you have to watch per day to stay alive

16 160 550

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Jooli-AHH! Ghoulia 🎃🍂🔪 @jooliaghoulia.bsky.social · Jun 3

The perfect bird feeder doesn't exi--

1 3.8K 22K

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sweetie π @sixfeetofcandy.bsky.social · Jun 3

this should automatically happen when you’re tempted to look at a muted reply

a woman having her eyes clawed by a fluffy white cat

25 100 870

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andy vs. @im-all-id.me · Jun 3

It's funny being remote and hating your job and saying things like "I gotta get out of this place" but the place is like your house

29 130 830

Kalvin the Reindeer @kalvinmacleod.bsky.social · Jun 3

40 out of 50 dentists agree that fractions was a waste of time.

3 14 63

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Frovo @frovo.bsky.social · Jun 2

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france

FRIEND: nice

ME: no paris

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Leen McBeans 🦇 @leenmcbeans.bsky.social · Apr 28

If you hate Mondays so much why don’t you eat lasagna about it pal

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andy vs. @im-all-id.me · Jun 2

When Kendrick said "bing bop boom boom boom bop bam" I felt that

10 130 560

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Dave Cactus @davecactus.bsky.social · Jun 2

When a baby is about to be born, someone always has to boil water. It's for the baby's first hot dogs.

29 330 1.4K

Kalvin the Reindeer @kalvinmacleod.bsky.social · Jun 2

DETECTIVE: whoever says the rhyme did the crime

SUSPECT 1: it wasn’t me

SUSPECT 2: it wasn't me

ME: nor did I make him die

MY LAWYER: *pinches the bridge of his nose*

8 50

Kalvin the Reindeer @kalvinmacleod.bsky.social · Jun 2

he won't admit it but I did

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andy vs. @im-all-id.me · Jun 1

A jury but it's all dogs

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