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Bob Heller

@bobheller.bsky.social

8.8K followers 520 following 1.2K posts

I’m Bob. My penis is 4 inches but thick as a beer can, has 2 heads and can kill a pair of doves from 17 feet. Oh hey, bobhellertees.com is still kind of a thing buffaloeggs.com is my gift to the world shitskeets: https://tinyurl.com/hxaja4ba

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Bob Heller @bobheller.bsky.social · Nov 23

If you put a lasagna on top of another lasagna, it’s no longer two lasagnas. It’s one giant lasagna. THAT is the power of lasagna.

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Theciscokidder @theciscokidder.bsky.social · 1d

What if all this time you were actually eating breaded fish dicks?

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Bob Heller @bobheller.bsky.social · 1d

Due to some fundamental creative differences with my business partners, my dream restaurant, Six Guys Burgers and Salad, never came to be.

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I had a SpOoPy pony! 👻🎃 @meghancolleen.bsky.social · 1d

I had a dream last night that I looked so good in a dress that I got offers to host Love Island

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Bob Heller @bobheller.bsky.social · 2d

"Show me your tits!"

-- World's worst gynecologist

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🎃punkin spice spooky geist💀 @pretty-vulgar.bsky.social · 2d

“Your honor, in my defense, I have these fat tits.”

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Bob Heller @bobheller.bsky.social · Mar 5

Jesus was like twenty times better than David Blaine.

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alboo @captainacab.airbud.website · 4d

at church today the pastor read all of your posts out loud and then rebuked them in the name of jesus, just fyi

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Bob Heller @bobheller.bsky.social · Nov 26

I just called a squirrel “squirrel dick” right to his face and he didn’t seem bothered by it at all. Anxious. He seemed generally anxious.

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Jason Goes to Hell @benedictsred.bsky.social · 7d

*seeing my birdwatcher friend stare at a squirrel* What the fuck are you doing?!

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Bob Heller @bobheller.bsky.social · 4d

Because
Loving
Unconditionally
Means
Purposefully
Knob-gobbling
In
Nasty
Situations

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Josh Mankiewicz @joshmankiewicz.bsky.social · 8d

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Bob Heller @bobheller.bsky.social · 5d

My bubble wrap suit makes me sweaty but at least it keeps me safe from ever having to have sex with anyone ever

*pop
*pop
*a single tear

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Jason Goes to Hell @benedictsred.bsky.social · 5d

Hate to burst your bubble, but…I’m kidding I love it. Fuck your bubble

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Bob Heller @bobheller.bsky.social · Feb 26

My child is acting up so much in school, I'm wondering whether my wife and I are going through a divorce.

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Viktor Winetrout @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social · 6d

[talking to my puppet] She said she wants a divorce

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Bob Heller @bobheller.bsky.social · 6d

No. It's pronounced "schlerblurbf."

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Bob Heller @bobheller.bsky.social · 7d

Hahahhaha. Let me look

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Diana Fulmer @dianafulmer.bsky.social · Sep 7

Finished a new #painting. Acrylic on canvas panel. Inspired by the latest transit cuts & service reductions.

#septa #art #cityscapes #philly

Painting with SEPTA bus in upper right corner, street light to the left, & a shadowy figure chasing the bus

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Bob Heller @bobheller.bsky.social · 7d

Look at this dickhead sitting on a #SEPTA train with his dickhead jacket and his dickhead hair with his dickhead ears and his dickhead head, claiming the aisle seat like he’s fucking royalty instead of making space for another rider.

Reply w/ pics of what you think this dickhead’s face looks like

Man with bleached hair and tweed jacket sitting alone in the aisle seat of a train.

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Bob Heller @bobheller.bsky.social · Jan 17

SAFARI FUN FACT:

Giraffes give birth standing up.

A newborn calf will fall up to 5 feet, as will the placenta (or girafterbirth).

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alexis simpson @amutepiggy.bsky.social · 11d

those trojan guys shoulda used a giraffe instead of a horse. you know- same trick, but taller

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Bob Heller @bobheller.bsky.social · Jan 17

I don't want to brag but I can hit a birthday cake with a booger from all the way across the room.

Oh, happy birthday by the way.

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Frovo @frovo.bsky.social · 11d

🎶if you're happy and you know it what's it like

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Bob Heller @bobheller.bsky.social · Jul 28

Every time my wife goes in the shower she has to worry about me re-enacting the scene from Psycho except with my wiener and a lot of begging

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Theciscokidder @theciscokidder.bsky.social · 11d

I don't understand the appeal of chicken wings. Like, here's some spicy bones, you'll need a shower afterwards.

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