Bob Heller
@bobheller.bsky.social
I’m Bob. My penis is 4 inches but thick as a beer can, has 2 heads and can kill a pair of doves from 17 feet.
Oh hey, bobhellertees.com is still kind of a thing
Kind of.
shitskeets: https://tinyurl.com/hxaja4ba
Oh hey, bobhellertees.com is still kind of a thing
Kind of.
shitskeets: https://tinyurl.com/hxaja4ba
Pinned
Bob Heller
@bobheller.bsky.social
· Nov 23
If you put a lasagna on top of another lasagna, it’s no longer two lasagnas. It’s one giant lasagna. THAT is the power of lasagna.
And the LARP’ing is on indefinite hiatus.
Two luxury real estate brokers and their brother are scheduled to go on trial on sex trafficking charges Tuesday, just days after their lawyers renewed their request that a New York judge toss out key charges against them.
Luxury real estate brothers face trial Tuesday in sex trafficking case
Two luxury real estate brokers and their brother are scheduled to go on trial on sex trafficking charges Tuesday, just days after their lawyers renewed their request that a New York judge toss out key charges against them.
bit.ly
January 20, 2026 at 1:08 PM
And the LARP’ing is on indefinite hiatus.
My wife went on a girls' trip to wine country and all I got was this lousy syphilis
January 20, 2026 at 1:00 PM
My wife went on a girls' trip to wine country and all I got was this lousy syphilis
Reposted by Bob Heller
Pretty crazy that someone could make a 250 year old country unrecognizable in less than 12 months.
January 6, 2026 at 11:34 PM
Pretty crazy that someone could make a 250 year old country unrecognizable in less than 12 months.
Reposted by Bob Heller
ME: Beast mode.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry. Beast mode isn’t a skill we are looking for or, well, a skill at all.
ME (furry back bursting from my suit, buttons flying) Thank you for your consideration (walk off with my tail between my legs)
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry. Beast mode isn’t a skill we are looking for or, well, a skill at all.
ME (furry back bursting from my suit, buttons flying) Thank you for your consideration (walk off with my tail between my legs)
September 2, 2025 at 11:04 PM
ME: Beast mode.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry. Beast mode isn’t a skill we are looking for or, well, a skill at all.
ME (furry back bursting from my suit, buttons flying) Thank you for your consideration (walk off with my tail between my legs)
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry. Beast mode isn’t a skill we are looking for or, well, a skill at all.
ME (furry back bursting from my suit, buttons flying) Thank you for your consideration (walk off with my tail between my legs)
Reposted by Bob Heller
(at the animal shelter) and what manner of beast is this
January 19, 2026 at 7:26 PM
(at the animal shelter) and what manner of beast is this
I like to talk about how much I hate internet cliques with my twelve really good friends on the internet.
January 19, 2026 at 10:54 PM
I like to talk about how much I hate internet cliques with my twelve really good friends on the internet.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Don’t hate me because I think Tim Walz is a good guy. Hate me for my perfect hairline RAWR
January 16, 2026 at 6:37 PM
Don’t hate me because I think Tim Walz is a good guy. Hate me for my perfect hairline RAWR
In this episode of MAN vs. REZ BALL...
Bob runs out of weed (again).
Bob runs out of weed (again).
January 19, 2026 at 10:31 PM
In this episode of MAN vs. REZ BALL...
Bob runs out of weed (again).
Bob runs out of weed (again).
Reposted by Bob Heller
Ok, which part of the most recent episode of The Pitt was too graphic for y'all? Was it the dick?
January 17, 2026 at 8:20 PM
Ok, which part of the most recent episode of The Pitt was too graphic for y'all? Was it the dick?
I'm smarter than the average bear. But I'm dumber than most foxes and some of the more intelligent bears.
January 19, 2026 at 8:30 PM
I'm smarter than the average bear. But I'm dumber than most foxes and some of the more intelligent bears.
Reposted by Bob Heller
i was happier when i thought the phrase was "for all intensive purposes"
January 19, 2026 at 8:18 PM
i was happier when i thought the phrase was "for all intensive purposes"
Reposted by Bob Heller
I built a time machine but past me won't suck present me's dick.
And if I suck past me's dick he'll have no reason to build time machine.
And if I suck past me's dick he'll have no reason to build time machine.
November 25, 2024 at 5:51 AM
I built a time machine but past me won't suck present me's dick.
And if I suck past me's dick he'll have no reason to build time machine.
And if I suck past me's dick he'll have no reason to build time machine.
Reposted by Bob Heller
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
May 3, 2024 at 11:56 AM
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Reposted by Bob Heller
Dear legislators:
I'd like-
No.
I demand the right to marry the IHOP Country Fried Steak and Eggs meal.
Also, please legalize marijuana. Thank you.
I'd like-
No.
I demand the right to marry the IHOP Country Fried Steak and Eggs meal.
Also, please legalize marijuana. Thank you.
November 20, 2025 at 12:36 PM
Dear legislators:
I'd like-
No.
I demand the right to marry the IHOP Country Fried Steak and Eggs meal.
Also, please legalize marijuana. Thank you.
I'd like-
No.
I demand the right to marry the IHOP Country Fried Steak and Eggs meal.
Also, please legalize marijuana. Thank you.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Ask not what your country can do for you.
Ask what your country can do to you.
Ask what your country can do to you.
January 19, 2026 at 1:56 AM
Ask not what your country can do for you.
Ask what your country can do to you.
Ask what your country can do to you.
I’d plant a hundred mulberry bushes if it meant I could watch monkeys chasing weasels around.
January 19, 2026 at 6:59 PM
I’d plant a hundred mulberry bushes if it meant I could watch monkeys chasing weasels around.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Who called them sea monkeys when shrimpanzees was right there?
April 10, 2025 at 5:04 AM
Who called them sea monkeys when shrimpanzees was right there?
Reposted by Bob Heller
You... are my muse. No. Wait. My mule- No! My muse. I dunno. Either way, I'm gonna ask you to put a bunch of drugs up your butt
November 23, 2024 at 8:50 PM
You... are my muse. No. Wait. My mule- No! My muse. I dunno. Either way, I'm gonna ask you to put a bunch of drugs up your butt
Reposted by Bob Heller
I'm here to remind you that there are a lot of wonderful things outside. What if you went on a quest to find out what makes them happy? I'm on drugs.
September 19, 2025 at 11:30 AM
I'm here to remind you that there are a lot of wonderful things outside. What if you went on a quest to find out what makes them happy? I'm on drugs.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Reply with why you love International House of Pancakes (in your native language)
December 13, 2024 at 4:41 AM
Reply with why you love International House of Pancakes (in your native language)
Reposted by Bob Heller
Just found an entire mini world in my replies.
January 19, 2026 at 6:02 PM
Just found an entire mini world in my replies.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Drawing dicks on blacked out, drunk guys' faces is childish and weak.
Draw faces on their dicks.
That... is next level shit.
Draw faces on their dicks.
That... is next level shit.
December 9, 2024 at 9:37 PM
Drawing dicks on blacked out, drunk guys' faces is childish and weak.
Draw faces on their dicks.
That... is next level shit.
Draw faces on their dicks.
That... is next level shit.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Occasionally, online, you will meet a Remarkable Dickhead
January 19, 2026 at 6:25 PM
Occasionally, online, you will meet a Remarkable Dickhead
Reposted by Bob Heller
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
January 20, 2025 at 8:19 AM
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Reposted by Bob Heller
i just had a dream that björk was violently vomiting yellow bile all over my bathroom (maybe that’s enough sleep for now actually)
January 17, 2026 at 3:22 PM
i just had a dream that björk was violently vomiting yellow bile all over my bathroom (maybe that’s enough sleep for now actually)