I'm too old for another platform. If everyone leaves I'll just stay here and rage bait the resisters.

If you see an old guy in a flat cap headed to the woods while carrying an axe, a pick, and a shovel, he’s either going to make charcoal or settle a score. Either way, doff your cap

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo.

Kristi Noem confronts enemy combatants in the Portland war zone today.

Speaks to our testimony of Simplicity. Clear, concise, and poignant!

I'm never more than 50% aware of what my hands are doing at any time. One time I looked away for a moment and they knitted a scarf

My spirit animal is a rusty garden gnome watching the world decay with quiet malice.

I feel like this photo of masked, armed men pepper spraying a pastor protecting his community is going to be a defining picture of this moment in America for a long, long time.

Everyone at work is always talking about how normal I am. "I've never seen someone so normal," they all say, gathering around my desk to cheer and applaud

DMV clerk cackling as I check “organ donor” box.

Thanks, New Yorker

She'll drink from the garden hose and like it, fancypants.

Rule of thumb is if a dude asks what you want to eat, then gets himself food and walks off you get to shoot him in the back. Cold blood. It's a little something called justice.

This is what Gen-X sounds like sometimes:

"Back in my day, TVs weighed 8000lbs, we only had three channels, no remote, and had to adjust the rabbit ears every 15 minutes."

this is what you get when you soak a german shepherd in mountain dew

Flaubert on the streets

Maupassant in the sheets

My semi-occasional reminder that I believe with my whole heart that trans rights are human rights. That women’s rights are human rights. That the freedom to do with our bodies is solely up to the individual to decide. That patriarchy is evil, capitalism is wrong, and that healthcare is a right.

i just hope that when we're heads in jars they put me next to you

I let my 4yo wear her Rapunzel dress to a restaurant (I know, I have so little fight in me) and the high school girls came over in their homecoming dresses and complimented her

She will be high on this for weeks, the teens are all right

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?